Bills, back to work. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ugh, so I have to send my rent check today. I paid my dental insurance as well. I was almost 2 months behind because I didn’t have enough to pay it with my last check. It really sucks not being able to work more than what I do and my checks not being huge anymore. I’m gonna be glad when I am able to work full time again. I know that it’s not my fault either because business hasn’t been the same for months though. I’m really sick of constantly worrying about money, it’s really stressful.

Weekend was good though. They brought LO for a few minutes on Sunday night and then last night I went over there and got to hang out with her for a couple of hours before she went to bed. We played in her room with her toys and she showed her games on her tablet and acted out her little gingerbread man play. We are going to take her to the circus on Sunday and I’m pretty excited about it because I have something to look forward to and I get to spend some time with her.

I guess BD is back. He had messaged my friend yesterday saying how he wants me back and blah blah blah but then told her he’s met someone and she’s going to let him stay with her. It doesn’t bother me as I know I don’t want to be with her and I’m definitely not going to end up someone’s meal ticket because they are too much of a piece of shit to support themselves. I just hope that he gets his shit together for the sake of his kid and I don’t have to feel like I must keep him away.

I don’t regret getting the RO because I’m not obligated to be in touch with him. Every day I’m reminded why I don’t want to be with him and I honestly think once he realizes that he’s not going to be able to use the baby to control me, he’ll probably just go away. He’s mentioned to my friend how I don’t want him and that irritates me because we haven’t spoke in months and he has NO FUCKING IDEA how I feel. I’m not going to be a back-up plan because he’s scared to be alone. If he’s able to find someone to take care of him and handle his abuse, more power to them.

This shit doesn’t get to me like it did because I’m used to it and I don’t expect anything less. He keeps telling my friend all I want is money and support but he has neither to offer me or his child. I don’t even know for sure how long it’s been since he’s had a job and as far as support goes, he hasn’t been there for ANY dr appointments or ultrasounds. I think he’s just pissed because he’s not in control and he wants to believe that I’m going to want him, even if it’s for money. My friend has told him I’ve already bought everything so he should get it through his thick head I’ve continued living my life without him.

After the past weekend of him upsetting me and putting me in tears, I decided that I’m not going to let his actions affect me or my days off. I’m so fortunate to have 2 days off in a row and it’s bullshit to let anyone ruin my time away from my job. Things have been hard enough and I’m not going to give anyone the satisfaction anymore. He’s free to do what he wants. It does bother me because I don’t have choices or freedom like he does. I have to keep my ass at work so that I’m able to keep a roof over my head and provide for my unborn child. It’s just so crazy how men can make babies and feel that they have no responsibility to help whatsoever but I have to keep moving forward and do the best I can.

It’s really hard on me knowing that I have to work so hard to take care of everything when I didn’t get pregnant by myself but it’s definitely made me stronger too. I just hope he gets his act together for our daughter because I don’t want her growing up without him but as long as he continues to be a fucking mess, I’m going to keep him at arm’s length. I have a lot of people following my journal that agree and also disagree but this is my life, my journey and I’m just trying to do what’s best. I’m not going to allow an abusive, alcoholic around my daughter that just wants to bring nothing but drama, chaos, and turmoil because that’s not fair to me and more importantly, it’s not fair to my daughter.

I’m going to provide her with a stable, happy life with or without him. It’s not my fault or hers that he’s the way he is. I refuse to have him around just to argue with me and be mean because he’s pissed that things aren’t going his way. He’s made it clear that it’s going to be that way unless I want to be with him. He doesn’t understand that I’m more concerned with us just focusing on being parents/friends for awhile and then if we decide to be together, then we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it but it’s not where my head is for the time being. I definitely want to be with the father of my child but for the right reasons and where everyone is happy and until he gets help, it’s not even a consideration.

Ya know, the thing is he’s never had to adult. He’s never had his own place, when things get rough he runs back to the nest. I don’t have that option. He’s never owned a car and probably never will. He’s never had to pay bills or take care of anyone but himself. I’m on a completely different level than he his and I just think that even if we were to be ‘together’ it would still be a really long time before I’d even consider living with him because not only do I not trust him with other females but I don’t see him actually paying bills and being a team player. I need someone I can count on to contribute financially and I can’t help but think that he wants to be with me because I’m stable and it would turn into me working all the time and supporting him and the baby.

I just think he has a lot of ulterior motives for wanting to be with me. I think he wants to be with me because I am stable and he wouldn’t have to contribute anything because I don’t need him to. I don’t trust that he would be much of a help with bills or even taking care of our child. He thinks he’s going to have her while I work but little does he know, I already have a spot for her reserved in a daycare. I can’t rely on him to watch her because I don’t trust him and because I think if he didn’t want to be with him, than he wouldn’t watch her and just make life harder. I’m not going to risk that happening. I have to be able to work to take care of her and I won’t be able to rely on him to pay CS. I refuse to allow this guy to use the baby to control me.

My back is fucking killing me and I think the baby is sitting on my sciatic nerve because my right ass cheek is on fire. I think I need to quit sleeping/laying in bed so much on my days off because my back always hurts super bad by Tuesday. I get to work and it’s painful to bend over and I’m scared to death of moving too fast and making it worse. I seriously need to have stuff to do on my days off because it’s just not doing anything good for me to be at home for 2 days straight. Ugh, frustration.

Anyways, I need to start getting ready to go.