Screen Free in 2017

So....Fiona’s school does ‘Screen Free Week’ with incentives for the kids that participate. Immediately my brain thought it would be great to take this challenge on as a family. Solidarity…right?

Screen Free Week isnt optimal for a family that just lost their baby.
Or maybe just not for me, where Im at right now. I can say Fiona successfully passed the challenge with flying colors. Thankfully the weather was only crummy the last couple days, so lots of outside time made it hardly an issue. Matt and I did good the first two days (we allowed ourselves screens after 10pm), but caved after that. And I gave in with Orion on Thursday (just for a bit while Fiona was at school).

I really do love and understand the ideas behind it. We all spend a lot of meaningless time plugged in. But its a crutch I need right now. My brain feels broken. Sneaking away to a computer screen lets me zone out from life. In the beginning it was all I could do to pass time, now I dont find myself sitting here constantly, but its a needed retreat for pockets of time.

Here is where I find support and give support. Through conversations with other loss moms. Or I can zone out with my llama mamas, the internet mom friends that are truly sisters now, after so many years of friendship. Giving these up cold turkey is like giving up threads of my current lifelines. Its needed.

We visited the mausoleum on Sunday last week and it was really nice. First time going since her service. We went as a family and lunched at Panera per Fiona’s request. Stopped at a dollar store for some things to decorate, and were on our way. Being there felt peaceful. The kids played in the grass a bit and colored with chalk. We read Goodnight Moon aloud as a family. Surprisingly I didnt have too many tears there.
And Monday was a good day…I recall noting this in my brain. The first genuinely good day in a while. The rest of the week has crashed like angry waves....but Im trying to stay afloat. I just have to keep hoping that some day, in the very arbitrary future, things will feel less impossible. Less broken.