April 25-26 A Return to Routine in 2017

Since arriving, my days and my time have been spent similarly to how they were in the past. However, there are a few changes. So, let me describe what my days have been like for the last three days.
I get up, I take a bath, I do my exercises, I relax in my chair, I listen to things or read a bit, then I get dressed, I get breakfast at 7-11, and I go to work. Then, when that’s done, I come home, do a bit of cleaning (so far it’s been mostly laundry), eat dinner, do a little bit more cleaning (putting away laundry), take another bath, take medicine, do exercise, relax in bed (reading) and then go to sleep. It’s not a terrible existence.
Yesterday, Kitchen Inoue’s Gogoro did me the honor of giving me an even lower calorie dinner, but also lowered the price. I feel guilty. I can’t imagine it’s really worth his time to give me dinner for 880 yen. But . . . I adore him. He’s just the best. I got some sad news last night! Technically it’s a secret, but, I think that it’ll be safe to repeat here. The president of the BOE, Higashi-Sensei, is retiring. This breaks my heart. I adore that man, and I adore every time he talks to me. He’s an amazing guy, and my long recovery in the US wouldn’t have been possible without him. The previous ALTs also said that Satsuma is the best BOE in the country, and, I’m willing to bet that a lot of that is due to Higashi. The going away party is Thursday. Can’t drink or eat too much. Sadly. Then Friday is the welcome party. Have to watch my eating there.
I’ve got a bag of peanut butter M&Ms that I’m having a a fascinating game with. I find that I’m experiencing a sadistic pleasure in limiting my food consumption. It’s an odd thing.
I found my swim suit, so, I suppose that I’ll start pool walking next week on Tuesday, at the latest. I don’t have time tonight, tomorrow, or Friday. Not if I want to get my morning and night baths in. My terror of getting old (and the ever deepening wrinkles on my face) are making me consider adding some kind of lotion to my nightly cleaning routine.
For odd reasons which I cannot quite comprehend, the girl Lucy has been on my mind a lot. She and I met while I helped with some stuff at Starlight while I was home from China. She and I then talked a lot over Skype and FB. Then, randomly, she cut off all contact. With me and with several others. I enjoyed talking to her. She was also some bizarre person who looked like a mix between Courtney and Rachael, while having a personal biography that sounds like a lazy fan fic writer made a Mary Sue for me to chase after. The question now is, how do I pursue, and is it worth it. It’s also odd to be thinking in these terms again. Suddenly having a bit of energy and caring a bit about things is an odd experience. I immediately think, “You’ll give up on this half way through like always,” and that voice has been winning every battle it’s fought for a LONG time. Then, another voice pops up, “You know what? Maybe not. Maybe this is something that’s doable, that he can stick to, and that he can make happen. And wouldn’t that just fucking rock?” And that voice . . . he makes a good case. Not sure if it’s worth putting this much effort into something, but, I’m fairly certain that I could. And that’s impressive in and of itself.
For years, when I was young, any time I saw something, or read something, or watched something, I’d say to myself, “I could do that. If I tried.” And, of course, I never tried, but I was pretty confident in my ability to do most things. In theory. Then I got older and decided that there was remarkably little I could do even if I tried, but that, frankly, trying wasn’t going to happen anyway. Low hanging fruit was out of the question, I had to wait for it to rot off of the tree. For instance, my last two American girls. I gorged myself, and sickened myself, but knew that the alternative was starving. Now? Now I’m starting to say, “You know what, maybe I could. I don’t know.” Or, I ask myself, “If I could do that, what’s the cost? What would I have to give up?” And it’s the last question only which makes me question the Lucy idea. After all, she’s dramatic and uncertain. The last time I pursued a girl like that, I got Amber. Another little voice kicks in and says, “Yeah, but what else are you doing?” But a firmer voice replies, “Quite a bit, and he doesn’t need to mess that up at the moment.”
It’s odd to think about how little I’m doing versus how much it feels like I’m doing. Jordan Peterson, the brilliant psychologist and (I would argue) philosopher, argues that being industrious is probably an inherited trait. And that industrious people aren’t made happy by working, they’re made miserable by not doing things. He argues that it appears to be that industrious people have to keep moving because they are compelled to do so, and that this explains . . . a lot. I think that my mother is incredibly industrious as she works hard all the time, but is also constantly miserable and can’t see what she’s done. Kat, same goes for you. Courtney . . . to an extent. You and I have been wallowing a bit for the last decade or so. But I digress. Healing is WORK. But it’s an off kind of work. Taking baths. Doing basic exercise. Sleeping. Strict schedule. It looks like I’m lazing about and having a grand old time. But really . . . I’m not. It’s hard to go to bed early. It’s hard to sit in the bath when I’d rather be doing other things. It’s hard to put the computer away after recess and study. But . . . it also feels good. And that’s the difference! Oh, there’s struggle, but I’m taking a kind of sadistic pleasure in bettering myself. What’s more, often times, I simply get pleasure in what I’m doing. It’s odd to be enjoying ANYTHING. I’ve written here about how so many of my pleasures have been negative these days. The mere removal of a bad rather than the addition of a good. Things seem to be fundamentally different this time, and I’m thrilled by that.
It is now after lunch. I taught three back-to-back classes. I’m tired and a bit sore, but it’s a different kind of tired. I desperately want to get on some chat program and continue talking to people, but, I’ve made my resolution. I am wondering if maybe I shouldn’t talk so much about the struggle of things? I’m finding that there’s a correlation between difficulty and complaint, and I wonder if maybe it’s operating from the other direction. Of course, this is also the third day of migraine weather, which isn’t a great deal for anybody.
The new English teacher, Mr. Kubo, seems to be amazing. His pronunciation is lovely, and he views it as the basis for all further English education. Hooray! His phonics lesson was really well done (best I’ve ever seen, honestly). My only issues were his unfortunate habit of halting awkwardly in speech (I need to get him reading poetry) and the fact that he keeps the bottom button of his suit buttoned. I thought that Japanese people were better than that. The new 1st years are amazing, as I knew that they would be. Last year, I hated the 6th grade elementary kids, and then, as soon as they went to middle school, they all leveled up and became my favorites. Well, I loved the 6th graders who replaced them, and, as those are now my 1st graders, they’re just . . . amazing. I’m optimistic about this. Obviously I have some doubts, qualms, and worries, but I don’t think that it’s especially well founded. The inability to trust my feelings undermined so much of the last decade. Well, now it’s amazingly freeing. Of course my feelings are dumb, they’re influenced by a brain issue. Ignore them, fix the problem through other means, and then think about it later. I’m able to gloss over a lot of things, or ignore with a lot of things, simply because it’s no longer needed to fixate on everything. Stuff is/will fall into place, provided I can get my filter on straight, BUT, if my filter isn’t on straight, it’s best not to worry too hard about possibilities. Especially if they’re bad and can’t in any way be helped.
Today is going to be an interesting experience as I forgot to bring more Motrin to school. Also, I’m fairly certain that my injection is wearing off/has worn off. After all, it’s been five days. So, I’ll have a clearer picture of my back. Turns out that it hurts. Well, that’s fine. I wish that I weren’t tied to this very uncomfortable chair, but, such is life at the moment.
I weighed myself this morning, and I don’t think that I have lost any weight from the last time I weighed myself. Which . . . doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense unless I gained a ton during the first two weeks, and the last week, of my stay in the US. Of course, I also varied a bit in the three weighing sessions that I did this morning. So, we’ll see. I also think that the carbonated water I’m drinking has artificial sweetener in it by the truck load, so, I’m going to cut that out. I want to buy a soda water machine, but, I think that it’s too expensive to justify at present. Sadly.
I feel the desire to write more, but I really don’t have a great deal that I can think of to say. I think that writing, strange to say, takes my mind off of the back pain a bit. Though nothing seems to be able to overcome the discomfort of this chair, this desk, and this damned footrest that I’m shackled with. Somebody asked me, the other day, what I do when I feel hungry, seeing as I’m now on a starvation diet. I told them that I notice the pain in my back and then I can ignore the pain in my stomach. It’s a pretty effective statement, and it’s also true. I’ve got to remember to go on antacids again lest I find myself in trouble after another couple of days. I’m looking forward to an era without medicine, to be honest.
It’s now 4:21. I studied Kanji for enough time today. I’m adopting a new system for studying Kanji. I don’t want to have to make time for it, or to put a lot of effort into it. So, I’m going to do one thing a day regarding Kanji, provided that I have time at work. So, for instance, yesterday I wrote out the characters as many times as there were spaces in the work book. Today, I made flash cards of all the readings of the characters, using words which utilized the readings, and then studied them a bit. The second half was a bonus because, frankly, I’d had fun. The goal is to do as much as I feel like every day, provided that I have time after lunch. That’s really it. I’ll do one thing when I have time. And, since I am avoiding the internet after lunch, I’ll (hopefully) usually have at least forty minutes or so. I’m also using the grip strengthener, which will hopefully aid me with a lot of things in life, but, specifically the guitar right now.
I’ve got rehearsal for the performance on the 30th, and it seems that the concert will be on the 21st. I’m sad that I won’t be the best, but, hopefully I’ll be good enough. That’s the key thing. I also need to start doing more singing. Hopefully I’ll start that next week as well. It’ll have to come out of cleaning time, though, which is unfortunate.
Well, there is, still, remarkably little to say. I forgot to mention, in the other entry, that I’ve been talking to Simona a bit, which is nice. I’ve talked to June a bit, which has been nice.
Things are going pretty well. Everything is inching along in the right direction, and if I can hold things together, it’ll all work out well. And I’m feeling confident that I’m going to hold things together. It’s odd, I felt my heart actually beat faster in my chest as I said that. Typing this is honestly nerve wracking. But . . . I’ve got to face that. I’ve finally got a reason to believe in myself, so I’d damned well better try it.