The survey that asked too many questions about trauma... in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

Since these days I’m always looking for a good distraction, here’s a really intrusice survey.

1. Sexual Orientation?
   I don’t know that I have a simple answer for this any longer. It’s definitely not heterosexual but it’s a little more labyrinthine than I would’ve anticipated in my teens.

2. What I’m really bad at.
   I’m really bad at behaving with civility toward my mother.

3. Celebrity I’d fuck.
   Jon Kortajarena.

4. Best first date.
   I haven’t had a first date. Which is more depressing when I write it out.

5. Description of my self-esteem.
   It comes in fits and bursts.

6. Best friend’s name.
   I don’t know that I have one right now.

7. Favorite book.
   I was asked this the other day and I’d have to say either Mansfield Park or Maurice.

8. Biggest turn off.
   Being tickled. You can touch me in pretty much any other way, but if you intend to tickle me, I’ll hate you and never be okay with you touching me again.

9. Description of my best friend.
   Yeah, let’s keep bringing that up.

10. Favorite animal.
    I don’t think enough about animals to have a favorite, but I’m particularly partial to dogs.

11. Someone I miss.
    At this point, I’ve lost so many people that I think I miss a time when loss wasn’t such a looming presence in my life. Like the end of Longtime Companion, where everyone you ever lose is suddenly with you on a beach and you’re together and happy that you’ve once again found each other. I want a party with everyone I’ve lost.

12. Reason behind my last break-up.
    He committed suicide.

13. What I did yesterday.
    I went to work and read two books.

14. Greatest achievement.
    Well, I’ve delayed the mental breakdown that I feel like I should have had ages ago.

15. Description of I like the most.
    That is not a complete sentence. I like complete sentences the most.

16. Favorite songs.
    Oh God, I really can’t listen to music anymore. At least not music with words. I’ve been listening to lots of classical music ever since my grandmother died. Moonlight Sonata is probably my favorite right now.

17. How my last kiss went down?
    I was drunk. I didn’t want him to kiss me mainly because I wasn’t attracted to him at all. But it happened, and I politely tolerated it. Then I paid my bill and left.

18. What I find attractive in my preferred sex.
    I don’t know that there’s a way to quantify this. I want someone who can match my strength and compensate for the things I lack, and I could do the same for him. Physical qualities are nice, but forms change.

19. Initials.
    JDBCCHT

20. Favorite ice cream flavor.
    I don’t care for ice cream too much but I’ll never turn down mint chocolate chip. I’ve always preferred vanilla, though.

21. Where I want to be right now.
    I wish I were back in Los Angeles, long past this process. I wish I were happy again… as if that time ever existed.

22. Worst thing someone said to me.
    I don’t keep track of those things.

23. Places I’ve lived.
    Elk Grove, Roseville, Sacramento, New Orleans, Chicago, Los Angeles.

24. I’ll love you if…
    I feel it. Loving someone has absolutely nothing to do with conditions.

25. Future plans?
    That is the question on deck, isn’t it? I suppose I have to figure that out. But I’m trying not to make any rash decisions.

26. An internal conflict I have.
    Frankly, if I fuck the teenage actor, won’t that just confirm all the worst suspicions people have had about me all these years?

27. What I’m doing tomorrow.
    I’v e never felt so excited to have a job because it occupies my time.

28. What I want to do when I grow up.
    I think I’m already grown up.

29. Most embarrassing moment.
    That would still be when Shawn’s mother walked in on me giving him a blowjob. Oy vey.

30. Two insecurities.
    My inability to make friends. My body.

31. If I won the lottery…
    It’d be a mistake because I don’t play the lottery. I’ve always considered it a tax for people who can’t calculate odds.

32. Description of my crush.
    Thin. Tattoos and cute as a button. He doesn’t really now I exist except through Snapchat. But he’s very kind.

33. Favorite thing about myself.
    I like that I’m unafraid. And if I do become afraid, it doesn’t paralyze me but energizes me into taking action.

34. Pet peeves.
    I’m a grammar nazi. I cannot stand those who lack common sense or people who refuse to own up to their own shortcomings.

35. Bands that I’ve seen live.
    Oh Lord, I’ve seen so many bands live it’d be impossible to name them all. I even contribute (from time-to-time) to a music blog called Concert Crap. The last show I went to, Pansy Division, is on there.

36. Kids in the future? How many?
    When I was younger I had a specific answer to this question and I shall use it again. -2 kids. I will find a way to die that will take two with me when I go.

37. My idea of the perfect date.
    I really just want to say what the chick from Miss Congeniality said because my inexperience at dating is so frustratingly lacking that would be the most intelligent thing I could say.

38. Am I happy?
    RUDE ASS QUESTION.

39. Most traumatic experience.
    IT’S NOT A COMPETITION!!!

40. Where I would like to live.
    At this point, Orcas Island… isolated and with just the sound of the ocean to haunt me.

41. Nicest things said to me.
    Just like I don’t keep track of the worst, I must also let go of the best. I think it’s part of my impermanence.

42. Do I like where I am now?
    Do I like it? No. But it was a choice I made and I would not have chosen any differently. I’ve left these things unresolved for far too long and it’s time I dealt with them efficiently like an adult.

43. What can I hear right now?
    That fucking bird that chirps all damn night sings all damn day. No repose.

44. Relationship with siblings?
    Cameron, Chuckie and Evan are closest to me in my life and I couldn’t survive this season without them. Alexah and I talk frequently online. Austin has gone into the military and I am unable to communicate with him at the present. Dayton is a stranger to me. But I wish all of my siblings the most love I can deliver to them.

45. Biggest worry.
    I guess my only worry is that I won’t get better.

46. Something I’m waiting for.
    I guess I’m waiting for a sign.

47. Relationship with parents?
    My mother and I are constantly at war, and I can’t see that getting any better now that my grandmother is no longer around to intercede. My father and I are perfectly amicable and let one another live his life. My stepfather still views me like some kind of virus.

48. Something I should’ve said a long time ago.
    I don’t regret those kinds of things.

49. Last text you received.
    Angelica, a former co-worker, has been concerned about my lack of sleep. It was something snarky about my blaming it on that damned bird.

50. Last text message sent.
    I sent a message to my crush compliment the progress on his tattoos and commenting about how peanut butter got me through my tattoos. Don’t ask.

51. What I hate most about myself.
    IT’S NOT A COMPETITION!!
    I’ve always hated that I’m… different socially than most people. But sometimes I feel like that way I have of viewing myself as an outsider is what makes me the outsider. I’m at a point in my life now where I worry when I’m with people, as if I should be doing more or if the people I’m with sincerely want to be with me, and I worry when I’m not with people, as if something is wrong that I’m alone. So lately I just prefer to be alone because at least I’m not letting anyone down with my tentative, taciturn nature in solitude.

52. Biggest turn ons.
    Someone who is genuinely interested. That’s it. It’s that uncomplicated.

53. Words that upset me.
    Really any that are said in hate or without sincerity and conviction upset me.

54, What I hate most about school.
That I still see how those pointless days inflicted such damage upon me as to still matter today. I wish I were one of those people who could be unaffected by high school.

1. What I’m wearing.
   Clothes.

2. Last thing I ate.
   I can’t remember, but once I finish this, I’ll be getting Indian food with my grandfather, and that sounds very delicious right now.