And there's more. in Since OD is shutting down....

So today’s bullshit is that he plans on getting help where he lives now because he doesn’t want to come back here. If he doesn’t want to come back before the baby is born, then chances are he’s not going to once she’s here. This information made me fucking break down and now my eyes are swollen. I just feel like this guy enjoys the pain and turmoil he continues to put me through and there’s no end in sight.

I got upset and told both of my friends that I’ve called the cops and they said my friends need to quit responding to him so I’m then able to get him violated. I of course didn’t because I don’t want them to get in any kind of trouble but I seriously need this shit to end before I fucking lose my mind.

It’s my day off and I’ve had virtually no contact with anyone yet again so it’s being lonely and then to know he doesn’t intend to come back and do the right thing pushed me to my breaking point. I’m seriously so fucking sick of being by myself. I just don’t think this is how it should be but it’s been like this for the past several years, including my pregnancy with no end in sight. No one gives any kind of a real fuck about me and I just wish I could climb under a rock and hide for the rest of my life.

My Mom mentioned me going to their house even though I told her no because I just can’t deal with them smoking inside the house. She said she’d still come over and help with me the baby room but she acts like she really never has the time or energy for anything other than her job so I’ll do that on my own too. I’m done wishing and hoping for people to make any real effort here. I give up.

I’ve never experienced this kind of heartbreak before where it’s lasted for months at a time. I’m absolutely devastated by the lack of compassion and concern by BD and my own family and ‘friends’ because I still get up by myself, go to bed by myself and the only time I’m really around other human beings is when I’m at work. I seriously don’t know what to do about any of this. I wish I just didn’t fucking care at all but I do. I can’t help it. I just feel trapped mentally, emotionally, and financially. I don’t get to have any life other than working and paying bills.

I’ve been an emotional wreck for months and I just don’t know how to change it because I’m unable to change my situation. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. I feel like I’m never gonna be alright. I’m going to have a child to raise and financially support and I know I’ll be doing it all on my own. No one understands what it’s like to be alone in my head all day long and the only thing that keeps me from completely falling apart is going to work.

Yesterday was the first day I actually felt somewhat alive. Hearing that he was coming back made me feel better because I thought it was a start to us maybe working things out and getting somewhere positive for the baby and now, we’re back to square 1 again. I need to face my own reality where I’m never going to have any real support and need to quit holding on to a glimmer of hope, even if it’s for the sake of my kid. It is what it is and it’s been the same thing for so long that it’s foolish for me to even think it might change.

I don’t feel like I’m living, I’m just existing day to day trying to keep myself sane enough to keep going to work because I have bills and a baby to support. I’ve never felt so down for so long before and I struggle to even get through the day now.

Done writing.