Three Months in 2017

Roughly one year ago you were conceived. Today is three months past your birth. But this entry is not to focus on the sad, but rather to remember the time that I had you, here with me. Time will fuzzy the memory, but if I can describe the moments, I can have the texts forever.

It has to start at the beginning. The moment we learned of you - our third child we werent even sure about having. I recall laying on the couch miserably, dealing with the worst heartburn I had ever experienced. Your daddy was cleaning the kitchen from dinner while I was telling him there was something seriously wrong. I remember debating out loud if I was going to the hospital. Things must have subsided after enough antacids or something, because I never did go to the hospital. But I DID take a pregnancy test that next day. And lo and behold. YOU. Excitement didnt set in right away…you see there were a lot of logistics to work out and I think the news took a bit to digest. My hormones werent kind and the nausea/heartburn lingered the first 39 weeks of the pregnancy (seriously!). Throw in some general life hurdles, and well we were going through some rough moments during this pregnancy. Your mama was never worried about you, sweet girl. Just worried about having her ducks in a row before you came to be with us.

Those stresses became more manageable and as pregnancy progressed we fell more and more in love with you. We initially were going to wait to learn your gender, but I couldnt handle the suspense. Just like with your big brother, I drank a large sugary soda before the appointment, hoping to get an active baby. Unlike with your big brother, the pregnancy nausea won and I puked all over Daddy’s car just as we were pulling into the hospital parking lot for the ultrasound. No time to change, we cleaned up a bit in the bathrooms (thankfully the car took the biggest hit) and continued to the appointment. Learning that you were our sweet little girl just made everything more real. True to fashion with learning the gender of your big siblings - we stopped at Carters and bought a few sleepers. My favorite one was blue and had “little sister” printed across the front.

Its the sleeper I wanted to bury you in, but couldn’t find when it came time to pick an outfit. Your Nonnie bought a perfect preemie sized piece. And I think the sleeper was supposed to stay with me, as I found it in the days after your entombment. It has become the clothing for my ‘Ivy Bear’. The bear given to me from the hospital, the same one your sister and daddy have. (Bubba didnt want one, there were only 3 total, and if he expresses a want for one in the future I’ll probably give him mine). Im happy to have the sleeper because I so associate it with you. You are their little sister, Ivy.. and they will grow up knowing your name.

I felt pretty connected to you in pregnancy, and would talk to you in my head a lot. Your orientation always puzzled me, because I think you spent quite a bit of time transverse. In fact, you were breech at 35 weeks and I was starting to get worried you wouldnt turn. I started researching my options and had real plans to visit a chiropractor if I couldnt yoga you into position. WIth the help of some Miles circuit exercises, you turned!! Im not sure if this is when you got tangled…and hypotheticals wont bring you back to me. I think I would like to know how a nuchal cord SO wound would go undetected on ultrasound (we had a scan at 37 or 38 weeks to verify position…but how do I breech that topic without sounding accusatory?

…anyway.

Knowing you were a girl was so exciting for me. And I was really looking forward to giving Fiona a sister. Orion would have been a great big brother. He is a big helper and just so funloving. The weeks before your delivery I scouted website after website looking for cute coordinating outfits for you and Fiona. (I never did purchase any)

The pregnancy wasn’t flawless. I rolled my ankle in the winter and a lady nearly totaled my car the Tuesday before you were born (low speed, she just drove through my car). No injuries to person. But I remember even in dealing with the insurance and rental cars…I made sure to let them know I needed a vehicle that could fit 3 carseats in the back since you were due any day.

I have screenshots and copies of texts while I was in labor. Photographs after you were born. Hospital records. My prenatal flow sheet. I’ve looked at them all, but more than anything those stacks of paper are my proof that you were here.

I wish everything could have been different, my sweet sweet girl.