I want better. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I stupidly took a late nap this afternoon and then woke up feeling super grumpy and detached. It took me almost 2 hours to feel completely awake and the grumpy that I felt never went away. I had to deal with getting only some of my medications because they had the wrong script for one so I have to wait until Monday when I can get in touch with my Dr to get that figured out. Thank God I have enough to last until then. I also have to deal with getting some groceries tomorrow night and then pick up some baby stuff I bought from Walmart sometime next week. Some of it’s ready now but I’m going to wait until the other 2 things are ready so I don’t have to go back.

I was able to score a bunch more diapers from some lady for $35 today and she said she has more she’ll give me for free when she finds them. She also gave me a cute diaper bag that looks like a purse, some receiving blankets, baby wash, lotion, baby powder, and some wall decor for free. I think it’s absolutely awesome that people like that just give stuff away because they don’t need it anymore and I definitely appreciate it. I already have baby powder, wash, and lotion but more is always good.

Work was completely bullshit tonight and I’m glad I only have one more day until I get a 2 day vacation. My job has been super fucking slow for MONTHS now and we aren’t making any where near the money we used to. It’s getting very discouraging and pointless feeling to be there but I still have to earn a paycheck. My Mom has been talking to me about coming to work with her but the pay is super good and I wouldn’t qualify for any kind of assistance which means that if it didn’t work out, I would be completely fucked. I don’t want to give up what help I get but I do want to at least give a better paying job a chance for me and my daughter.

I’ve been at my job now for almost 4 years (in October) and this is the longest I’ve ever worked anywhere. I’ve had to bust my ass to get where I’m at. I’ve worked really hard to prove myself there, probably too hard and sometimes i get super pissed about it. All because I pissed off that one bitch, she got to run me out twice and then I fought like hell for almost 5 months to get back to the store I’m at. I don’t make a lot of money there and it’s definitely taking it’s toll. For so long after I got to come back, I would tell people I couldn’t imagine doing anything else but I feel like if I stay there too much longer, I’m going to be too comfortable to even consider something else.

With a child on the way, it’s really made me think about my life plan and what I really want and it isn’t this. I don’t want to be stuck needing help with my rent and getting food stamps, I want a better life for me and my kid. I’ve wanted to buy a house and that’s not going to happen if I stay where I’m at.

I think I’m going to talk to my Mom more about her job and see if it would be possible for me to job shadow her, even consider getting hired there and taking a week off my current job to give it a chance and see if it’s something I could see myself doing long-term. All I know is if I take this job or something that pays decent, I won’t get any kind of assistance and there will be no turning back.

It’s really hard on me knowing I’m going into this parenting thing by myself. I really don’t see BD being there emotionally, physically, or financially whatsoever. Whether there’s a RO or not, the sad reality is he’s never had to adult. He’s never owned a car, he’s never had his own place and the only bills he’s ever been responsible for paying is his cell phone bill. Even if we were to be together, I know I wouldn’t be able to rely on him financially and have him as an actual partner so we could buy a house.

I just don’t think this guy truly understands the position he’s put me in. Even now when my friend mentions anything about money or CS, he still avoids her questions and resorts back to being the victim. He just refuses to take any ownership of his actions at all. He was telling her last night all the things he missed about me but then when she confronts him about what he’s done, he says he’s done nothing. I just think he’s completely insane. I honestly worry about him believing that it’s all my fault regardless of his actions. It’s beyond frustrating.

My biggest fear is of the unknown. Not knowing where I’m going to be in a year. Where I’m going to be working, how things are going to go with BD, and worrying about raising a child all by myself. I just have to have faith that everything will work itself out but it’s really hard to not worry in the meantime.

Anyways, I’m gonna go to bed. Goodnight.