Couple things. in Since OD is shutting down....

The first thing I need to talk about is something that happened last night at work. My manager and another dude were giving me a hard time about me only working 20 hours a week. They don’t understand that I’ve been with this company almost 4 years and the only break I’ve ever gotten was when that bitch started shit and I wasn’t there for a month. Then when I transferred back, I worked over 100 hours every 2 weeks. I finally have the schedule I want and it feels like a fucking vacation. I also can’t work 40 hours because then I wouldn’t qualify for Medicaid and the insurance through my job is super expensive so NO ONE has it.

I’m doing what I have to do for myself and my child. I’m there as much as I can physically and mentally handle. I’m not the only one that’s there strictly part time and my manager said there’s at least 10 people who are scheduled at least 30 hours. That’s great but that doesn’t mean that they get anywhere near that amount anyway because we aren’t as busy as we used to be. I honestly wish people would mind their own fucking business because my paycheck doesn’t affect anyone but me!

So then BD messaged my friend stating that his Dad would like to meet his granddaughter. I couldn’t care less about the wants and needs of him or his family. He didn’t care about mine when he walked away 5 months ago! He doesn’t understand that he’s not allowed to be there because of the RO and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with any of his family being there under these circumstances and because none of them have made any effort to get to know me but want to be there for the birth of MY child?! That would be a very uncomfortable situation for not only them, but me and my family as well.

I would just like to know who the fuck he thinks he is. He’s made no effort to get along with me, has denied paternity this entire time but now thinks it’s okay for his family to want involvement? I would consider them being there had any of them made the effort to get to know me so I get a feel for them, what kind of people they are and then I wouldn’t have to worry about things being uncomfortable. I wasn’t given the chance to know them so the thought of them being around for the baby’s birth isn’t even a consideration.

Again, I would like to reiterate that I understand he’s the Father. I’m not trying to deny HIM OR HIS FAMILY anything but I’m not going to let anyone make me feel that my feelings, wants, and needs should take a backseat to theirs. It’s been months of this person being mentally and emotionally abusive, driving me to the point of a RO, and proving how little he gives a shit about me or the pregnancy that’s changed my mind about him being around.

All of this is my decision as him and I aren’t together and being abandoned while pregnant makes you feel very alone and scared. He’s left me with nothing more than a big fuck you but still thinks he’s going to determine what’s what doesn’t make sense to me. He still wants to try and make me feel that I don’t have say over anything, including my own child and that makes me absolutely furious. I’ve been the one to change my diet, go to the Dr every 2 weeks along with an ultrasound once a month, take insulin shots 4 times a week, apply for assistance that’s totally embarrassing, rearrange my house, buy baby stuff and be completely on my own in all of it.

This is what happens when you get pregnant without being married and having no idea what the hell you are getting yourself into. I had no idea until I discovered I was pregnant and it’s taken strength I didn’t even know I had. It’s not easy at all and I constantly worry about the baby and making sure I’m doing what I can to be healthy for her. Some days it’s really hard to hold back tears and keep myself going.

Nap time.