Surprises of Grief in 2017

Grief has made it difficult to look at tiny baby photos of my living children. I love reminiscing, but find myself avoiding the photos of the first few months. Fiona(6) was born end of December, so her and Ivy would have had very similar ages month-by-month. (does that make sense?)

My mom (bless her heart) asked if we wanted the baby gear taken down before we got home from the hospital. Lets pause for a moment here and stress how important it was that she ASKED rather than just doing. Some mothers may want to do this themselves. I was thankful to not have this task. However, I find myself clinging to the inconsequential things left behind….twelve soothie pacifiers in pink and purple (because Orion was still sometimes using a green one during the beginning of my pregnancy), a package of baby socks. Things I have no real reason to keep, but cant seem to give away. The medics inadvertently left behind an ambu mask. It may not have even been the one they used on Ivy (it was very clean), but I couldnt get rid of it for the first few weeks. Every time I found it somewhere in the house, I hid it somewhere else. I think I finally threw it away, but I cant be sure thanks to the memory I no longer trust.

Grief is odd. Sometimes the extremes between emotions vary so largely that I find myself questioning my sanity. I frequently check in with my husband and mother to ask their perception. “Do I sound crazy?” “Am I crazy?” Grief has interrupted my capability of linear thought. I forget both what Im doing and why Im doing it. Sometimes I even start sentences only to ramble into nonsense points. Sometimes function is hard. And simple tasks take a lot out of me. A productive morning can almost always guarantee that I’ll need a sedentary afternoon.

But hey…yesterday I wore jeans.

Last updated April 12, 2017