One Month in 2017

Im feeling sick to my stomach.

The dreaded stomach flu has weaved its way through our household. First man down was Fiona on Friday night. Then Matt, Orion, and myself. Might be safe to say that its on its way out, but my stomach still aches a little bit. Probably part stomach flu, part today.

One month since I gave birth, to receive death.

An end.

Im not lying to say that I hate this has become a part of my story.

Today I dont want to hear that Im so much more. Blah blah wife, blah blah mother to two other kids…blah. I know I am still those things. Or at least a shell of them. This loss is still so raw that its constantly on my mind. It has turned me selfish, and angry, and sad. And those are three traits Im not enjoying.

Moving forward when Ivy cant just feels so wrong.

My mom was a saint and cleared out the baby things in our house before we came home from the hospital (she asked permission, first!) Im thankful to not have needed to tackle that task. But I find myself longing for not only her, but inconsequential things. Junk. I bought these milestone cards and today at the one month mark Im feeling very angry that I dont get to use them for some silly little photo shoot.

There is a support group tonight in a neighboring town. I should probably go.

I probably will go.

Last updated April 12, 2017