Dazed in 2017

This week has been significantly more emotional than the first few. Initial shock might be wearing off. My husband is closing out his second week back to work. Bear is back at kindergarten. Turkey is up to his usual antics….

Life just keeps moving and Im feeling so stuck. I’ve been sad and angry. And angry and sad. I find myself wanting a lot of alone time – but thats just not feasible when a 6 year old and 2 year old are under wing. In any given day I have short bursts of productivity and then I find myself here at the computer.

I feel the need to blanket myself in Ivy (no more calling her Baby…shes Ivy). Lately that has meant researching cord accidents and stillbirth. Reading stories of other loss moms and sharing in their heartache. Writing a million thoughts in my head only to be unable to express them in a coherent manner. Looking at her pictures. Im feeling a lot of mom-guilt for not being so present with my other two children. I just…..cant sometimes.

Im pretty good at pushing myself to be more present. And Im certainly not neglecting the big guys. But I think this is just me, craving all of the time I wont have with her.

Last updated April 12, 2017