My week is finally over. in Since OD is shutting down....

The work week was okay but just glad to finally get to be at home. I’ve been super tired today and napped a couple of times. Being pregnant is more than exhausting and I worry how much more tired I’m going to feel once I get into my 3rd trimester.

There’s been a couple decent cribs for sale over Facebook but by the time I see them, they are already spoken for and it really pisses me off because most of the people who get this shit are the same ones that get EVERYTHING! I’d really like to get a cheap one in good condition but I’ll end up buying a brand new one because everyone here is like fucking vultures man! I was going to buy some more clothes but the lady wouldn’t take pictures and send them to me claiming they are already packed up in her vehicle and the last time I bought some, they were nice and everything but smelled like smoke and I’m going to have to wash them a couple of times at least to get the damn smell out.

Earlier this week, I noticed my one cat (who I thought was a boy) has now showing he’s expecting. His nipples are rosy pink along with his mouth and nose, belly is protruding and has been eating like a horse. I know that the damn cat is pregnant when I was told they were all fixed!! I’m super upset about this because I am already over my limit on pets and I can’t have kittens here so I asked my parents if they would take my cat until the kittens are weaned and I’ll take the cat back because I’m absolutely in love with her but they won’t do it claiming they have too many and are worried the dogs they have would kill the babies.

Again, I have absolutely no help whatsoever no matter what the hell I have going on and then I get mad all over again. I get really sick of being on my own to figure everything out. It’s not my fault that the cat is pregnant because I was told they were all fixed. Ugh, I’m just so frustrated with this! I’m just going to wait until the babies are born, hope the landlord doesn’t show up in the meantime and evict me and once they are weaned, try and find them homes.

My little friend that’s white trash is always hitting me up asking for things. The other day she messaged me at 3am (um, I sleep at night) asking me for money. Well I don’t check the message until the next day and don’t respond. She sees that I read it and asked again so I finally blew up at her. I just said look, I’m pregnant and I don’t have any financial help at all and I’m not in any position to be helping anyone. I’ve been used a lot so I’ve become super selective who I surround myself with because I’m tired of people asking for things and that’s why I just work and keep to myself.

She asked if I still wanted to be friends and I told her I just want to hang out without any commitments to anyone. I told my counselor about this and he said that it’s not okay for people to know my situation and STILL be asking me for help. I was always that person to fucking help people, even when I knew that I shouldn’t and now that I could use some help or even emotional support, I have no one. I completely understand that everyone has their own lives and problems but so do I.

It really irks me that I can’t even manage to find one decent friend here. It does get me down but I do keep in mind here in the very near future I’m going to have a child so I won’t have the time or energy to give a shit. I think the only time I’m gonna give a shit about other people is when I want to take my kid and do stuff and then probably find other Mom’s that want to bring their kids too. I wish I had more friends and everything but I don’t and I’ve done what I could to change it and I’m still in the same spot.

I just can’t help but feel like people really don’t want anything to do with me unless they are getting something out of it and that makes me sick. I don’t have anyone I can call when I need anything unless I’m willing to pay them and it just gets old. I do wish things were different and I wish I could go back in time and not have let people run all over me as much as they did. No one has ever really done jack shit for me and it’s not that I’m trying to keep score but it’s like people come out of the fucking word work asking for stuff and I do damn well they aren’t going to do shit to help me out!

Anyways, my back has been hurting since yesterday. I definitely worry about how it’s going to be trying to work when I get further along. I worry I’m going to be fucking miserable but the good news is I only work part time, I have almost all the baby stuff I need, and I get to sit for most of the time I’m there. I just want to get everything bought and get her room ready so that I don’t have to worry so much.

I still need to buy some more hangers and a closet organizer. I went to a place the other day that gave me a rock n play, more diapers, diaper rash cream and a couple of other little things. I told them I already had plenty but they still gave the stuff to me. I’ve gotten a few things for free but I’ve bought pretty much everything else. I still want to buy a couple more boxes of wipes and diapers.

Some days I really struggle knowing I’ve already had to do so much on my own. I definitely feel very proud of myself but also very angry. That motherfucker left me holding the fucking bag and has absolutely no regard for how this is going to change my life. This has yet to affect his. I honestly wish I could go back and make better choices because I’m sad I picked such a worthless piece of shit to father my child.

I’m gonna pick up the kitchen some and write morel later or tomorrow.