Coma in Side Effects

COMA
It is 11:14. I can’t sleep; I don’t want to sleep. Maybe just maybe, out of pure exhaustion caused my not sleeping or eating well in days, I’d fall into a deep sleep. But then I’d wake up and it’d me tomorrow, which is exactly what I want to prevent. If there is any way possible for me to prevent that from happening?

The past months have been hard, and actually, for a while now I’ve seen changes in my mother. But she just complained she was getting old. You get old, you can’t eat the dame things anymore, your stomach upsets you, etc. But the past month has been incredibly hard, she’s been in bed, hasn’t been eating well, and she can’t endure the pains in her stomach. She had a hernia operation a month and 2 days ago, and a hemorrhoid operation. But this didn’t cure her pains, and we complained to the doctor, but he said it was “stress”. I took her to another doctor, one of those that charges $35 pesos for a consultation. He is actually a surgeon in a hospital, but has this pharmacy on the side for extra money. He advised me to hospitalize my mother immediately, that she had ascites and was dehydrated. And we did, we hospitalized her but contacted the doctor that had just operated on her, and he wasn’t too happy we consulted another doctor. He brushed off the diagnosis and prescribed pain pills.
She went to another doctor. same thing. Pain pills. Out of desperation I went and asked a neighbor who, despite everyone in the neighborhood thinks she’s crazy, she’s a retired nurse and has been friends with all my aunts for a long time, I think she is a very sane person, and just doesn’t fit in, so I relate to her. She recommended a doctor to me, A Cuban doctor residing here in Mexico that was very good.

Well I walked over to mom’s and told her we’d see a new doctor, and in a matter of minutes we were out the door. Nice man, actually, and right off the bat, he suggested cirrhosis or liver cancer, and then said we’d need some studies done. We were there all day. Adrian picked Chelsea up from school and he was with us all afternoon, all night. This doctor suggested we hospitalize here for 3 days so he could observe her. By this time, he’d done 2 very costly studies, nearly $8000 pesos and still he said he needed more studies and he wasn’t so clear. In the end, we were disappointed.

But he left me thinking. Her pains, the symptoms. Cancer. The puzzle became a whole picture. I contacted a cousin of mine who is an excellent surgeon and a straightforward doctor. I sent her mom’s results and she said that I had to be strong. With that, I knew. She recommended a colleague in internal medicine that would help me with a diagnosis without taking advantage of our desperation and ripping us off. Yesterday morning, I told her we’d go to another doctor. She needed to be hospitalized immediately, she had excess liquid in her abdomen, and it was in her lungs. By the time we got to the hospital she needed oxygen.

My brother arrived from the US yesterday, and a brother in law went to pick him up. After settling in mom in, my cousin Marihell came over to watch her while I went to eat lunch with Adrian and the girls. We were in the hospital where Hilda was born, where mom was with me the whole time making everything better. I wished I could do the same for her. Make everything better. We went to eat in the neighborhood where my friend Lily used to live.

I felt like I’d just woken up from a coma. It’d been years since I was near that area. I sat up and looked out the car window. I almost saw myself walking with Lizy, Lily, Aylene, Alma on our way to Lily’s house to do homework when we were in our early 20’s in college. At that moment Lily texted me to ask if I could recommend a neurologist. She has had trouble eating properly for months now, and she has the beginning signs of Parkinson’s. She doesn’t’ even live in the house anymore. Her mother died 4 years ago. How did all this happen?
Mom stayed the night and apparently got a good night’s sleep for the first time in a long time. My father brought my brother Edgar over for breakfast at my house and then we picked up the results from the tests ordered from last night. I couldn’t wait and I read them. Malignant.
That one word.

It took all my strength to keep a straight face in front of mom. She was right there in front of me. What do I do know? How do I deal with this? How do I make everything ok? The doctor arrived and took the results outside to read them. He texted me to step outside. We don’t’ know how much time we have. Most likely, mom wont’ want treatment. At her age, it is just too invasive and she has suffered so much this past month as it is. But it is hard for me to accept. Is that selfish of me?

My mom is supposed to see my girls grow up. Hilda’s first day of kindergarten, first day of first grade. Chelsea’s first day of Junior high, of high school, her quinceaños, high school graduation. Mom and I go grocery shopping together; we do our morning together. My father, he cried, and he is not the type to cry, he’s very in control of his emotions. But it’s so hard, anyone can tell you, what a ray of sunshine my mom is. She is so popular, so giving, so dynamic, loud, funny. There is no way for me to comprehend this. And each minute that goes by in my house, I feel like I’m wasting time. I just want to leave my husband and move back in with her and sleep in between her and my father like I used to do at night when I had nightmares.

This is a nightmare.