Thank Gzorpzorp Its Friday in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

(1) I feel like shit this morning. Not because of drinking or anything but… yeah. Feeling feverish; certainly. I even considered calling in; or at least texting White Boss to say that I’d have to leave early. But I decided against it.

(2) There WAS some drinking last night… Wife was discussing how she didn’t like her store and when she came home, she is thrilled to have me. She was very complimentary. Rare; but very welcome. She was… very positive towards me and about me. It isn’t like her; but I thanked her very much… in part because I really do need some kind of verbal affirmation from my wife now and again… and in part because I would love to be a couple that builds each other up… instead of all of the criticism of late. But/And we had sex. Again, neither of us finished… alcohol added to the stresses we’re feeling… but still, it was nice. I’m going to (try) to see if maybe we could increase our physical intimacy. Because… we don’t hug or kiss much. That was part of what led to things yesterday. Kissing her led to an erection because… we have such limited physical interaction that simply kissing my wife tells my body “Go Time!” Bah.

(3) Thank GOD it is Friday. Maybe I can actually sleep in tomorrow. Try to heal. Because… yeah. This… feeling like shit thing… awful. AND I still haven’t gotten Cobra Insurance lined up. SO… yeah. No insurance to speak of makes being ill a little less fun.

(4) Even though I’m going to sleep in tomorrow… and grab lunch with some friends… I may still try to work out. Depending on how I feel.

(5) Wow… just spent an hour and a half in a packed courtroom with no AC or ventilation. If I felt feverish before… I feel downright deathly now!

(6) I am 99% finished with my document. The firm does Office 365 via Online, so I don’t have an off-line version of my document. I can/will probably purchase Microsoft Word for this computer at some point. I go to grab something for the 1% I have left to do… as I wanted to get this over to Chinese Boss before noon… and Internet Kerfuffle. Internet Kerfuffle that has resulted in me not having access to my file. Or e-mail. SCHYTE!

(7) So… I’m hungry. But can’t leave because I am operating as Witness for a Will. Ah, wills. If I were smart, I’d get into Trusts and Estates because every article on Attorney Happiness says “go into Trusts and Estates if you want to be a happy person and an attorney.” But… since I’m stuck here, hungry, and honestly not doing much… I’ll write about something that I was thinking about writing yesterday. Because writing it today, after last night’s activities, will be… perhaps even more meaningful.

How I was going to start this yesterday: Someone once asked me, while I was writing about my wife and our sexual issues, if I wanted my Wife or if I just wanted to have sex. It was a good question, a tough question, and a particularly insightful question. The truth, the honest deep truth, is that I want my wife. I find her very physically attractive and would love to do everything to her. Wild, rutting, fucking… passionate love making… experimental positions… everything. That’s what I want. But, uncannily, Wife seems to wait… to hold off… to delay any sexual interaction until I reach the point where “just about anybody would do.”

My head feels funny and I am a bit dizzy right now so this may not come out quite right… but… my Wife will not accept kind words from me. I’m not going to stop saying them, of course, but telling her if she looks beautiful or complimenting her appearance… she won’t hear of it… or reciprocate. My wife is also fairly withholding on physical affection on all levels. I get it, some people are just like that. But at least one hug a day and at least one kiss per day would be nice. For a long time, I didn’t get either. Then in Tiny Town, I got at least one hug a day. But that’s fallen off in the last few weeks. And kiss on the cheek/mouth is a rare occurrence indeed. My wife is also very evasive on saying ‘I love you.’ So… no compliments accepted/given; no physical affirmations; no “I love you.”

Add all of that with a Once A Month Sexual Pattern (and a Once A Month only if Drinking) and… yeah. As much as I love and want my wife… I am often and quickly of the mindset where “just about anybody would do.” And I say that clearly and affirmatively even having had sex with my wife last night. Like… yeah, I’m rambling. But it was an insightful question and the answer was a little complicated and a little unfortunate. I find my wife attractive. I would be happy having sex with ONLY my wife for my entire life… that is a key component to deciding to marry someone. But… how things are right now? Our relationship dysfunctions, sexual dysfunctions, all of that?

One of the things that (I think) I was supposed to learn from my abusive relationship is that… sometimes, in a relationship, it is okay to be selfish. Sometimes, you have to think about your needs and wants. This is not something I was trained for nor is that a mentality that was exactly encouraged in my background. We do for others. We consider others. This “ME” thing is nonsense. But that being said… my marriage has been a cycle of all of this. Am I doing enough for her? Is anything ever enough for her? Why can’t she be happy or at least less negative? Why won’t she share affection or intimacy? And… as my mind cycles to that point… the questions of What do I want? What do I need? What am I willing to go without? all start. So… that’s the cycle.

I didn’t explain myself very well. I am almost 100% certain I did not communicate what I wanted to. Damn. I really wanted to communicate something there but… bah. Not feeling it, I guess.

(8) I intend to try to start playing catch up with you lot soon. We have the living room… almost, sort of kind of done. We have the kitchen… almost sort of kind of done. We have the Master Bedroom… almost, sort of, kind of done. We have the Master Bathroom… barely almost maybe kind of done. Which leaves us the Office Area, The Guest Bedroom, and Spare Oom to sort out. In short, we have a lot of work to do. But Wife, again, is being insistent that she put things away because she’ll remember where she put them. And I can’t fault her for that line of thinking. She is MUCH more likely to remember where she put something than I am. But… yeah. Until The Office Area gets set up… it will be extra slow going playing catch up.

(9) And now… there is a motion I should be working on. CHinese Boss gave it to me. I can’t remember what needs to be on it. Because… yeah. My head hurts that much and I’m dizzy and not feeling well. I want to last at least one more hour… just make it to 4:30. And then the Honey Do list. And then bed.