House cleaning. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got up this morning and cleaned up my house. It looks beautiful. I remember how I used to clean every day before I got pregnant and now that I’m tired and don’t have the same energy, it only gets cleaned, like really clean like 3 times a week. Being pregnant is absolutely exhausting. I’m not really showing yet but have gained some weight. I don’t think I’ll start showing for awhile yet and I’m just worried about my clothes not fitting because maternity clothes are expensive as shit and I’m thinking jeans aren’t going to cut it.

I spend a lot of money for baby stuff and I’m super glad I have almost everything I need so that I can just save money and look forward to maternity leave. I really wish BD was helping some financially because I can’t afford bigger clothes or my damn contacts. He’s really put me in a shitty spot and it’s hard to not get angry about it. I do remain grateful that I only have to work part time because I’m exhausted when I get off work and make cash every night because that’s why it’s been possible for me to spend so much on baby stuff.

Today was a pretty good day. Nothing too exciting happened but my friend I used to work with came over for a little bit so that was nice. I wish that I had one or two friends to hang out with sometimes. I am still very lonely and have been throughout my whole pregnancy. I’m gonna be so happy when my daughter comes because not only will I have someone to hang out with but I get to watch her grow up.

I do wonder how things will be once she arrives. I think about how much involvement my family or his will have. I know that my Mom is going to be around but I don’t have anyone else that’s for sure going to be. BD’s Mom was to come over last week and I haven’t even heard from her so I just feel that if she isn’t going to take the time to get to know me now than I don’t know how comfortable I will be once the baby is here. I know that everything is going to be about my kid but I want to get to know his family and make sure they are going to be good for my child.

As of right now, I don’t think him or his family plan to make a lot of effort. Every time I’ve talked to his Mom over Facebook it’s because I’ve been the one to start the conversation. I just can’t help but feel that I’ve done more than my part to try and make this work and no one is meeting me halfway. I’m not sure how things are going to be with him either. I do plan to have my friend reach out to him before my due date and see if it’s possible for her to have a real conversation with him and if it’s not than the only contact we are going to have is gonna be through DSS and the court system.

When I first found out I was pregnant, he started being mean and threatening me within 3 days of us finding out and I remember telling my friends that I’m not going to spend the rest of my life fighting with him. If he thinks he’s going to bully me and still see his kid, that’s not going to happen. I want to be as fair as I can because I want my daughter to know him and his family but I’m not going to be abused either.

Honestly, I just hope that everything will work out for the sake of my daughter. I hope that all my worrying will be for nothing and things will be fine. I want everyone to be a part of her life if they actually want to be. I will not intentionally keep anyone away but I just want to feel like they are trying too and no one has yet. I’m due in less than 4 months and it just seems like no one has any real interest.

Because I’m worried about running short on my maternity leave money, I think I’m going to wait on a crib. I do want one before she’s born but I have to make sure I have money in the bank to cover bills until I go back to work. I still have several weeks before I stop working but I just don’t want to overextend.

This whole thing sucks because it didn’t have to turn out this way. If it was possible to have a rational discussion with him, we wouldn’t be where we are. I tried so hard to get along with him and the harder I tried, the meaner he became. It’s like he wasn’t going to be satisfied until he made this situation completely miserable. My friend and I both asked him multiple times if he planned to be involved with his child and the furthest she got was, “I’ll figure it out” so I’m sure now with the RO in place, he’s worried he won’t see her and honestly I don’t plan to allow it until he provides proof that he’s getting help.

A lot of people think I shouldn’t even consider it but this is my child and I’m going to be as fair as I can for her sake. If he has any interest in being a Dad, he can turn this shit around but if he continues being a drunk that doesn’t even have a job than that’s on him. I’m not going to allow his bullshit to affect me or his child. It’s already affected me enough and I refuse to spend the rest of my life trying to figure things out for him. The ball is in his court.

Goodnight.