When you watch something again .... in Adventures of New baby and family

A couple nights ago my mind drifted off to TV movies that were on when I was younger. I remember clearly there was 3 of them that were compelling and lasted with me. One was a push for what is now the FLMA and a family story, another was a child with CF and the last one I still remembered the Title to the Movie as it touched me but didn’t remember why. The title was “Baby Girl Scott”. I looked it up online and saw I could watch it again on You TUBE. So I did.... This time it had much more meaning to me than it did when I was 13 yrs old and didn’t know much about pregnancy, preemies and ventilators. This time the movie hit home......

The story was about a couple that was expecting a baby and was 6 months pregnant when she suddenly found herself having the baby at this time. I think the baby was 1lb 12oz or something like that..... back in 1987 that was much too small for a good chance of survival.. They went through the hardship financially and the stress that it took on them and their feels of having such a small child and dealing with the truth that they were not wanting this child to suffer and to suffer throughout its entire life from the damage that being a micropreemie caused. As I watched, I knew the angst. I was there back in the Dr. Office and them telling me he would probably be a micropreemie and on top of that with the IUGR he would be tiny. This little guy doesn’t stand a chance....I thought. If he was born at 24 weeks I don’t think he would have been even a pound. that’s really pushing the limits of a baby in NICU at this time period. What kind of quality of life would he have? Part of me hoped I would miscarry him during those weeks that he was too young to survive. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a damaged child. Its just that knowing what was in store for him and me and the stress is almost too much to bare. I have one child that has disabilities. His are not severe and he’s doing great. I know what it took to get him there. Its painful to watch. I am a respiratory therapist and a case manager. I’ve dealt with this. I know financially I wouldn’t be burdened and knew what I was entitled to. As a respiratory therapist I know all of the things he would have to deal with as a micro preemie. Its like too much knowledge and it was overwhelming. To think I hoped he would be miscarried instead of being a preemie was hard to take. But this life is not easy for anyone especially with disabilities. Programs are cut and hard to get into. I’m older as far as that’s concerned its just a lot to take in.... It was bad enough them telling me he had clubbed feet.... it was just a reminder he had more of a mountain to get over.

I felt for that couple. People are telling them it was unnatural to want their child to die when the future looks so bleak. You feel guilty for feeling that way but know its what’s best for the child. I remember feeling that way week after week. I usually got to talk to the other doctor about the findings in the ultrasound and they were never good. I knew the ultrasound was good when he didn’t come in. When I tell you it was bleak.....it was bleak.

I kind of found myself like the couple that had friend that didn’t know what to say to them. Honestly I didn’t know what to say to people.. I pushed a lot of it to the side. Convinced me and everybody else it wasn’t that bad… What could I say…the truth?? What would I say? Baby’s coming any day and he’s not going to make it. Baby’s going to be a preemie oh and by the way he’s got IUGR so his chances suck....
All these thoughts go through your head when they talk to you…

As my doctor told me later I was high risk of the high risk. Thanks doc.

After I had him and he was just about on time. My mother tells me of their friend whoms daughter dealt with the same problem and her baby did come 3 months early. Yours wasn’t that bad as they made her go into the hospital. Mom, I told her.....the doctor didn’t give me a choice either. He was suppose to call me back and didn’t because he wanted to convince me to stay in the hospital. He told me that day to go to the hospital and even called them. They were prepared for me. It was I that chose to not follow his recommendation. NO mine was bad. Really Really bad.... I told you how lucky he was and how lucky I was. I’m not kidding.

It wasn’t till after …way after that I sometimes admitted how bad the situation really was. I couldn’t then.
When I was pregnant…my reading material consisted of reading the March of Dimes web site. It was definitely not in the When your expecting books.

The outcome of that story was very sad.... I look around and see other people in bad situations and know how lucky I am to have this little guy and to be as healthy as he is.

Last updated April 06, 2017