question in Random Thoughts

I was asked a good question here on PB. I’ve mulled it about a little bit, but not fully immersed myself.

“What would be your ideal ‘arrangement/relationship’ with Ian?”

My answer was “I don’t know.” In my mind, i’ve vaguely considered what that might be, but not much beyond a sense that it would be a little difficult to work on something serious (except that the little voice in me that believes that ‘love trumps all’ says that we would make it work out).

What do i want? I’d like to see him more often.

Golly, its hard for me to even talk, because of the fear of being vulnerable~ transferred over from real life into PB. I can just say whatever here and not worry about it, but perhaps i am afraid of talking and then having things not work out.

So. I’d like to have a less casual relationship with Ian. I’d like to know where we stand in how we feel about one another, so i am not so scared about being vulnerable and whether i can express how i feel. I’d like to see him more often. This would be easier as we move into summer and have time off.

As i heal and work through my shadowy self, i’d like to have a healthy long term relationship. I don’t know if that would be Ian or not, but i know for sure that how i feel about him is on that path. I know this because the other times i’ve fallen deeply in love- Mark and Kevin- felt this way.

It’s the last day before our spring break and i can hear the kids outside my door (i am in my class, lights off, music on, taking some moments before the hectic sets in).

Well, i thought through this a little, but there is more.