she doesn't get it in 2017

the older man from florida (from my last entry) came in again this morning, and we talked for almost 45 minutes when i should’ve been cutting vegetables and prepping meat. i’m not going to lie and say his “good morning gorgeous” greeting doesn’t flatter me, or that his presence doesn’t make me happier. i should be creeped out - i’m pretty sure this guy is old enough to be my dad? he definitely likes me. he invited me out to dinner sometime. but the secrecy, and the guilt - is that considered cheating? i’m not sure if i could ever go out on a non-date date with him, even if he claims we can just be friends, even if he told me that he knows how hard and how lucky it is to be in love with someone who loves you back (aka me and cole). he told me he lost the love of his life in 9/11. it was sad and i want him to be in my life. part of me thinks that if cole and i were regularly having sex and if my self-confidence were at normal levels, i wouldn’t even be concerned with him. his name is steve.

i feel bad because i made all of my (very few) readers/friends pretty much hate cole, and i don’t want anyone to hate him. he’s a good person and he’s not a bad boyfriend. if you’ve learned anything from me over the years, you would know that i am dramatic, sensitive, and needy at best. i think most days he does is best and sometimes our personalities can clash. he’s not sensitive or all that romantic or affectionate. that’s who he is as a person and i love him anyway. i’ve never been in love like this before and even if it doesn’t work out…i know i want it to. i know i want to marry him. even if steve can promise me endless vacations around the world and a well-kept life, i know i want someone to grow old with and maybe even have kids with. here’s all i really know: i’m going to let life do its magic and roll with the punches.