Spiral in Random Thoughts

I spiraled, trying to figure out whether i qualify for teacher student loan forgiveness. Everyone i spoke to was nice, but they couldn’t really answer my questions. Here’s the lowdown:

To qualify: If you had loans from before 1998, they needed to be completely paid off before you took out loans post 1998.

My tiny little issue: I had a little over $3K in loans from 1995-1996. I feel like i paid them off circa 2000, i was diligent about that. But none of the loan service providers can figure it out. The loans were consolidated at a certain point, but it was with the previous loan service provider. I have the name of that company, but i can’t talk with anyone there without an account or recognizable SSN. Ugh.

On top of that: I can look at my loan history. It says that one of my loans from 95-96 has a “paid in full 2009” date on it. 9/10/2009 it says that loan (orig amt, $2700) was paid. But (again), it says the consolidation date was 8/10/2009. I am baffled how it is my loan was paid of in one month, unless it had such a minute balance that the first payment covered it.

I know there is more to this that i can’t see. After this school year, i can potentially have $17.5K forgiven. Out of $70K in loans ($50K of that at 7% from grad school), it would be such a relief.

I wanted to talk about Ian. But after all that, i am not sure i have the connection to my words. Plus, its 2:30 and i can leave whenever i want to, really. Gym, home, pack for yoga retreat and hot springs, yoga, meditation, food of some sort, reading, sleep. A good daily progression.

The struggle within has lessened, though i find that my brain reverts to a few of the old-style thoughts and worries. Occasionally. The only thing i can do is remind myself that it is ok to not know. I don’t live in a world where my emotional well-being is based on what i project a person (or persons) think and feel about me.

A personal win happened last night at a union meeting. Each school made a list of what’s going well, what’s not going well, school climate, etc. Someone said in the “what’s not going well” was that they had little or no communication from the special education resource room teachers (that would be me and my compatriot Rachel). I was not hurt, i did not get offended, i did not worry who said it, i did not spiral. I took it with a sense of humor. I actually think its funny-ironic that this person hasn’t approached Rachel or i to talk with us about the little or no communication! Goodness gracious, folks. How are we to know if you don’t communicate with us?

I did not perseverate. I did not feel unworthy. I did not feel paranoid and worried what people thought about me. WIN!

So. Ian. le sigh It’s ok if i like you more than you like me. I am human and willing to feel all the feels, even if they may hurt in the end (or along the way). But, honestly, i think we are incredibly compatible. Very much so.

Thank you for participating (unknowingly) in my therapy experiment/growth/knowledge. schtuffs.

Last updated March 23, 2017