Still upset. in Since OD is shutting down....

I went to bed about 7pm last night. I was just so frustrated and not feeling good because my blood sugar was so fucking high. I’m honestly so tired of people not giving any kind of a fuck about me or my child but want to make sure I’m still going to care about them.

My brother and his girlfriend are fucking assholes. I blocked my brother last night and need to just leave things where they are. They have made sure to establish that they aren’t going to help me whatsoever but want to make sure I’m still going to be there for my niece regardless of how they make me feel. They love to tell me how when I don’t come around than she’s upset and how she suffers but if they treated me like an actual human being, NO ONE would have to suffer.

I want to be as fair as I can regarding their child but I don’t like being treated like shit and I’m supposed to not ever get upset about it. It just doesn’t make any sense. Until they can actually treat me like I matter and accept the fact that I’m going to raise my daughter with or without help than I plan to stay the fuck away from them. I still feel like this is nothing more than a sick game to see how much I can take and then when I finally get mad than I’m just crazy.

Something needs to change. Either the situation or how I look at it. I was so heartbroken yesterday that they didn’t come to my ultrasound and my Mom didn’t even bother to call when she got off work to see how it went. It’s absolutely crushing that the ones should care the most care the least. I’m just so grateful that I have a couple of good friends that want to be a part of this because without them, I honestly don’t think I’d ever get out of bed.

It’s just super hard to go to bed alone every night and only have about 2 people who truly know what’s going on in my personal life. It’s really stressful because I’m so alone. I get that I just have to be my own Mom and my own best friend but I just wish I had a better support system than what I do. Every day is a struggle because of my blood sugars, my back hurting or just feeling super tired. I’m frustrated that I don’t work more because we aren’t as busy but I’m glad that I don’t work a lot because I’m struggling to keep up. I really wish I had more help with certain things but I don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I don’t have to rely on other people financially but sometimes I just worry about the future. I’m excited about getting my maternity leave to bond with my child and get a fucking break from that place but I know I’ll worry about money too. Life is fucking hard and some days I fucking break down.

My family hasn’t ever been much of a family and have showed me nothing but heartache and let downs my whole life. It’s my fault for expecting more from them. I’ve never felt more alone or sad. It’s just ridiculous that they make me so upset and they don’t fucking care. I’m supposed to completely bend over backwards for them and help as much as possible but now for the first time in over a decade that I could even use some positive reinforcement, all they wanna do is talk shit and tear me down.

I’m a very strong person but I get tired of that being my only option. What I wouldn’t give to have someone spend the night and just be here to have breakfast with in the morning. I’m seriously so depressed and upset right now. I really hope things start to get better.

Ugh, my back is fucking killing me today and I’m waiting for the OB to call me back and tell me what to do about increasing my insulin. I ate some cereal for breakfast (Special K) and my blood sugar is 160. It is way too fucking high and it’s driving me nuts. It’s taking them forever to call me back.

Anyways, I’m gonna go put clothes in the dryer and lay down for awhile. It’s really not going to be easy working tonight after being off for 3 days. I’m literally so fucking sick of that place.