Back to bullshit again. in Since OD is shutting down....

So It looks like I’m going to my ultrasound by myself. I talked to my Mom yesterday because I haven’t heard from her for a few days and decided to give her a call and see what she’s up to. She informs me she’s not going to be able to come due to training at her new job. It’s fine that she can’t come, but because she was so heartless and cold about letting me know is what bothered me. She didn’t apologize or act like she was upset about it. She just said, “yeah so I’m not going to be able to come to your ultrasound” so I just said okay and then got off the phone with her.

I could tell that my Dad was sitting right next to her and probably in her head about it. I’m sure he was super stoked about her having to work so she could get out of it. He’s pissed that I don’t have anything to do with him so he likes that. I could tell by the way she talked to me he probably had been talking shit about me all morning and was happy that my Mom wasn’t going to be able to come. I know how he is. It’s sad that not only does my child not have a father, but let’s make sure that my only fucking support won’t be able to be there for me.

Then, my friend that was going to come probably isn’t going to anymore. She got into a fight with her husband on Tuesday night and then told me she sold her wedding ring because she needed money. Well, her husband is here working for the week and told me that he was going to put money in the account for her but then didn’t because she said she sold the ring. She later tells me that she didn’t and still has it so I tell him so he’d put money in her account. Well, she decides she’s pissed at me for telling him (even though I was just trying to help) and told me to leave her alone.

Her husband text me today and asked if we’d made up yet. He said I should text and make up with her and I let him know that I take it very seriously when someone tells me to leave them alone and that’s what I’m going to do. I let him know I can go to my ultrasound by myself. I feel like she basically wants me to beg her to come and I’m just not going to do that. She wanted to come but now that we aren’t on good terms and I’m trying to ‘make up’ with her then she’s probably not going to and that’s fine. I’m a big girl and can do it by myself.

I then ask my brother and he said he didn’t know and he has to work even though it’s on a Tuesday and he hasn’t worked on a Tuesday in about 5 years now. I don’t plan to keep bugging him or anyone else. I asked my nurse but she’s not allowed to come so I guess it is what it is.

My counseling appointment was very helpful again today. What I got out of it is my Dad is going to have his influence over my Mom and I need to accept that she’s only going to be around sometimes and that she’s never going to make up for not being there when I was a child. She missed so many of my school plays and what not and I can’t expect her to ever make up for it. I plan to just leave things alone with my Mom. My Dad is going to make sure she isn’t there for me and I need to just wash my hands of it and move on.

I just don’t think I should have to beg and plead for people to want to be a part of my pregnancy. I don’t plan to do any of that anymore. If they want to be there, I’d really appreciate it and if not, well it’s their loss. I can’t continue trying to fight a losing battle with anyone. I’ve been on my own with this since day 1 and know it’s going to stay that way. I plan to stop working the beginning of July so that I’m able to drive myself to the hospital when I go into labor because I don’t see anyone wanting to give me a ride there and I don’t want to worry about trying to get home with my baby.

I’m honestly sick of having to do everything and worry about how I’m going to do it all by myself. I’m angry that my daughter’s father left me in this situation and my own family doesn’t fucking care. I just don’t have any more fight left in me to keep trying with my Mom, my friend, or my brother. If people don’t want to be there then that’s fine.

The good news is I’ve figured out how to do the screenshots. That’s one less thing I have to worry about for court. I haven’t printed any yet, but have them in my email. I still have a few more I’m going to screenshot but I’m not going to do it right now.

It really bothers me that I have no one to rely on. I get scared sometimes about the future with a baby and having no one I can call if I needed anything. I feel foolish for thinking things were finally going to be okay and I’d have support. It’s never consistent but I thought maybe now when I needed them the most things would be different. Boy, how wrong I was. I’m seriously so fucking mad at myself. I feel like such a fucking dumb ass.

It’s just constant hurt and disappointment. It’s never going to change. I know that I’m going to bawl my eyes out at my ultrasound when I’m there all by myself all because no one gave enough of a fuck to be there. I get my Mom has to work but there’s other people that could come but just don’t find it enough of a priority to do so.

Anyways, I’m gonna lay down for awhile before work.