Slept a lot today. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve taken numerous naps on the couch and just enjoyed watching tv. I threw up and took yet another nap. I think I ate too much or something but I was laying on the couch and felt my body temperature rise and started to salivate a lot so it was time to threw up. Ugh, I hate having to throw up.

It’s almost 9 am I’m going to watch some more tv and then pass the fuck out. I tried to send in the bottle drying rack but it would have cost me $7 for a fucking box so I just said screw it. I don’t have a box to fit it and I refuse to run all over town trying to find a damn box. I just wish I would have noticed it was blue before I threw the damn box away. I really want a pink one but I guess not everything needs to be pink.

I’ve noticed that Eric is friends with that girl he was dating again. It really upsets me that I’m here pregnant, alone, trying to make sure I’m going to have money in the bank for my maternity leave because he of course isn’t going to help and he’s worried about having a girlfriend?! It’s absolutely ridiculous how selfish and heartless he truly is. I just can’t believe that this is the same guy that asked me to marry him a thousand times, told me how much he loved and wanted to be with me but moves to another state 800 miles away when I’m 6 weeks pregnant and all he can do is talk about how much I’ve wronged him?! Yeah, it all makes sense. Completely.

Everyone tells me not to worry about him because he’ll get what’s coming to him but I’m sure none of it’s going to help me in raising our child. Sometimes I get so deep in my head with all of this shit and wonder what I’ve done so wrong to deserve the crap that’s happened to me. I’ve always been a good person and would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it but yet, I find myself pregnant and alone. I just don’t get it.

I try really hard to just stay grateful for what I have. I am so glad my family is there for me, I have a job where I don’t have to work full time, and I don’t have to worry about car payments. I also have been able to buy a crap load of baby stuff all by myself. I’m glad everyone sees how strong I am but I don’t have any other choice. I’m going to have a child depending on me and she already doesn’t have a Dad so I have to do it all by myself.

It’s just still really hard to come home at night and have no one to talk to. I’m angry that anytime I’ve had a roommate people just live off me until I kick them out. It’s too terrifying to even consider having someone live with me again. I just don’t get how people survive in this world using others. I’ve always worked my ass off for what I have and people just want to walk all over me. Ugh, it’s just so frustrating sometimes.

Eric is honestly the scum of the Earth. He left me with nothing more than a big fuck you. I hope he’s super proud of himself. I think getting someone pregnant and just leaving them to figure everything out by themselves has got to be about the lowest thing a person could do. I never imagined him doing this. I am gonna try to not be angry for long but I have my moments where I wish I could physically hurt him. I have to worry about my child all by myself even though I had help making her.

I worry a lot about my health and what if something where to happen that would prevent me from working. I have bills that have to get paid or my credit score will suffer. I also don’t get food stamps because I make too much money. I worry about not being a good enough parent if I don’t make a lot of money. I worry about making the wrong decisions for my daughter. I worry about how uncomfortable I’m going to be before she gets here because it’s going to start getting hot at some point. I worry about if I start getting super big and I can’t afford maternity clothes and get in trouble at work. I have to worry about everything by myself because her Dad decided to take off.

And yes I know I’ll be okay because I’m a strong woman and blah blah blah but none of that is going to stop me from worrying. I wish that Eric and I could at least stay in touch as friends and he could be there for me emotionally if nothing else. I wish I could tell him about my dr appointments and how the baby’s doing. I wish he could just be a normal, rational person that I could reason with but he’s not. Now that he’s called our child a bastard, abomination and said that we should eat shit and die, I don’t plan to talk to him until I don’t have a choice. He’s made a fucking mess of this situation but it’s not HIM being affected by it. It’s me not even having support from my child’s father. He’s gotten away with everything and I’m sure won’t even have to pay fucking child support.

I just have to focus on being happy and staying positive. Maybe I’ll find a guy to come into the picture and be really good for me and my child. Maybe. If not, I’m still gonna be happy to have a baby of my own and have my niece. I’m happy that my Mom is my Mom and she spends time with me. I’m happy that I have my cars and don’t have car payments. Things are okay and I’m gonna be okay regardless of the outcome with Eric. My child will have me and my family and that’s what matters. He can continue being a child and have a lifetime of regret.

Goodnight.