not fun in 2017

sometimes i don’t know who i am. i think i’m just a girl with too much nostalgia, an indecisive personality, and a drinking/smoking problem. a girl who is too dependent on her boyfriend, who doesn’t have very many friends, and who has way too much anxiety to handle on some days. when i get really drunk, i eventually get sad. i write paragraphs on the notes app on my phone and say things like: you’re fat and ugly. you’re boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you, why would anyone? you’re annoying and you complain too much. you play the victim to make everyone feel bad for you but you have no reason to be depressed. you’re almost 23 with no real job and you haven’t even applied to grad school. congrats you’re doing awful.

it’s like an evil, all-knowing friend is writing a letter to me and it feels awful and satisfying at the same time. i read everything the next morning, feeling neutral because my drunk feelings are dangerously close to my real ones. i feel as if i deserve to feel bad about myself. i also know that i most likely have an undiagnosed mental illness that holds me back, strangles me, leaves me breathless, and steals my joy. i can admit that i don’t know what to do, and that i still don’t know what to do about that. i also know that i am caring, sometimes funny, and i do my best when i’m not feeling like i’m being crushed by a huge boulder. so that’s good. i’m just lost. still.