Random thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had a pretty good night at work last night and hope tonight is just as good. I gotta get gas, go to the bank and get my car washed before I get there today. I really wish I could ever nap before work but it doesn’t happen because my feet are always freezing cold and my friend is always sending me more screenshots from Eric. I just wish I understood why he thinks being mean and nasty helps this situation. He just wants to make this as much of a nightmare as he can and I don’t see the point in it.

The things he says really don’t bother me anymore because I’ve learned to expect it. He’s now called our child a bastard and it’s our fault (my friend and I) why he won’t be there for his kid. It has nothing to do with us. It’s no one’s fault but his own that he’s not stable whatsoever. He doesn’t even have a car. I think his biggest problem is he’s pissed that he doesn’t have the mind control over me that he craves so much. He’s angry that I haven’t begged him to come back and offer to let him live with me.

He told my friend this morning he’s waiting on his taxes and for me to call him because he wants us to believe that he’s going to come back for the ultrasound if I call him. I can guarantee if I called him, we’d be on the phone for maybe 5 minutes before I hung up on him. He just wants me to call so he can talk even more shit to me and make me hate him more than I already do. He told my friend he’s only getting back $783 for taxes and he doesn’t have a job now so I highly doubt he’s going to waste what little money he has to pay for a bus ticket to come for ultrasound.

This is nothing more than a sick game to him. He’s also said he’s tried to be there and be civil but he left here knowing I was 6 weeks pregnant and I’m now 18 weeks. He’s not once tried to be civil since a few days after I told him I was pregnant either. I know that he’s in his own little fantasy world but it’s annoying that he’s not in reality like the rest of us. He sees everything the way he wants to see it where he wants to blame me for everything and do what he can to snake out of any responsibility with having a child.

I know the chances of actually receiving child support are probably going to be slim considering he hasn’t been served with the RO yet and I’m guessing he’ll hide out when they try and serve him with a court ordered paternity test as well. This person is honestly the biggest piece of trash I have ever encountered and I’m terrified that all I’m going to do is battle with him for the rest of my life.

In all honesty, I’m sorry I ever got mixed in with him and how much heartache he’s brought into my life. All he does is worry about how this is going to affect him when I’m the one that’s already spent hundreds on baby gear and thinking about how differently my life is gonna go now. This is already changed my life plan and for the father of my child to just want to make things harder for me, makes me glad I’m stable enough to do it on my own. I don’t have a choice because I won’t have much (if any) help and I’m going to do the best job I can for baby’s sake.

He needs to understand I’m going to give her a stable, healthy life with or without him. I’m not going to worry about him or his bullshit anymore. As far as the RO goes, he either gets served or he doesn’t but he’s not going to be around my daughter until he gets the help he needs and I feel completely comfortable with him seeing her. I doubt that will ever happen but I don’t want to totally shut the door on it either. I try and hold onto a touch of hope that he can come into reality and accept that there is a child coming that we both created and we need to be mature, civil adults for her.

It’s absolutely shocking to me how miserable someone can make you, even when they live 800 miles away. It’s crazy to me that people just want drama and conflict instead of trying to get along for the best interest of the child. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to wrap my head around this shit but I’m at least glad I’ve developed a really thick skin and now, I’m able to laugh at his ignorance.

My work Gramma text me this morning about baby shower. I told her I’d love to have one but I don’t know how many people would come. She said she was going to start making a list but even if people say they’ll come, doesn’t mean they actually will. I’d love to have one because it would be nice to see people caring at least for my kid but if not, that’s okay too because by the time I’m going to have her, I’ll have everything I need and I paid for all of it myself.

I know a girl that’s seriously had 3 baby showers, her baby’s Dad works 2 jobs, she now doesn’t have to work, they had a house given to them, and they are in a good spot financially and it’s hard for me to not wish I had some of that but I stay grateful for having my own place, my cars, a room full of baby stuff and the fact that my Mom is there for me and I’m finally starting to get my niece back in my life. I know that things could be a lot better but they could also be a lot worse too.

I just wish I knew how things were going to play out with Eric and stuff. I still worry about finding the right daycare. I worry about a lot of stuff that I won’t be able to have any control over until the time comes and I know that’s why having a baby is so scary. I’m super excited and I can’t wait until my ultrasound but for now, I’m definitely still very anxious too.

All I know is I’m just trying to make the best of my situation and be as baby ready as possible. I worry about health issues and not being able to work but I know if that happens, I’ll just have to deal with it. I have a good chunk of money in the back and will be getting my taxes soon so it won’t be that bad, especially because I’ll have everything I need for her.

It bothers me that my parents are so co-dependent on each other and they can’t leave each other alone when my Mom comes to my house or dr appointments. It literally drives me fucking crazy. I’m going to make sure she understands that if her phone can’t be turned off during my ultrasound than I don’t want her to come. I’ll have my best friend there and I want to be able to enjoy this experience I’ve waited 5 months for and no one is going to take that from me. I know that he’ll probably call with some crisis and she’ll have to race out the door so I’m going to do put a stop to it before it fucking happens.

His selfishness is absolutely astounding. My Dad has never made much effort to be a part of my life and couldn’t give 2 fucks about me having a baby but for him to constantly interfere with my Mom being there for me makes me want to knock him the fuck out. It’s like if it’s not about him, putting money in his pocket, or his precious fucking horses, there’s no way he’s going to give a fuck. He just doesn’t fucking care and it makes me sick. There’s been plenty of times I’ve dropped everything to help him out of situations that he’s created for himself and now that he could actually step up and be a Dad, he avoids me like the fucking plague. It’s like he’s terrified I’d ask him for help or something and yeah, he’d be the last person I’d ever ask anything of.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow. And snow a lot. I’m not happy about this at all but it’s already almost the end of February and what makes it better is knowing we are about done. I just can’t stand the snow and I fucking hate driving in it.

Anyways, I think that’s enough for now and I’m going to start getting ready to go so I can get my shit done before I head to work.