Just Want to Disappear in Inside My Head

The NJ disability office may not even pay me and I am running out of money. The baby is only 2 weeks old. I’m going to be violently ill if I have to return to work this early. I work a full time job as well as a freelance job whose company is based out of Texas. I didn’t include the freelance job when filling out my application because I’m a contractor which is not considered an employee. The freelance company I work for is refusing for fill out any maternity leave paperwork because according to them I’m not an employee. The NJ office said that may take up to 6 weeks trying to contact the Texas office. Once they don’t reply (and they won’t) then NJ may process my application or flat out deny it. In the meantime I’m looking at 2.5 months without a paycheck which we can’t afford. I’m going to be ill. I have severe neverending chest pain.

PPD is in full force. It’s like a massive grayish-black clawed monster is sitting on my chest barely allowing me to breathe. I can’t think. I can’t enjoy spending time with Noah or with Sam because I’m consumed with fear about money and about sending Noah into daycare when he’s only a few weeks old. I have no patience with Sam who is constantly throwing temper tantrums…I’ve failed him again. I failed him as an infant when I had PPD and couldn’t take care of him like a decent mother and I’m failing him again by being an absentee distracted mother.

My OBGYN ordered me Zoloft but it won’t arrive for another week. It takes 4 weeks to kick in. He gave me a week’s worth of Xanax which hasn’t helped. I have an appointment with him next week. I feel like climbing the walls. I feel like PPD’s clawing keeping dragging me underwater barely allowing me to take a breath before it drags me under again. I almost just want the darkness to take me. My children are being shoved back into daycare way too early, I may have to return to a job that I hate, and I’ll be going broke shortly. I sometimes feel like there’s just no point fighting against this monster.