More shit happened. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I’ll start with yesterday. Eric had messaging my friend all morning talking about how once it’s confirmed the baby is his, he can just sign over his rights and ‘that’s that’ and then argued with my friend on how you can’t just sign over your rights to avoid paying child support and blah blah blah…well the next thing I know, I get a text from her asking if we had made a sex tape.

I immediately feel my heart start pounding faster and a splitting headache coming on. He had taken a video of us having sex without my knowledge or consent about a year ago and I told him to get rid of it. He’s sent it to me a bunch of times and this time, sent it to my friend. She told him he was a sick fuck and let him know how much trouble he could be in for sending revenge porn.

All I could do is try to process this. I don’t know why he would do this, other than to show what he’s capable of. I call the cops and they said they can’t do anything because we are adults and the only way they could do anything is if I file a restraining order. I choose to go down and file.

Fast forward to today. They called as I was heading to work to let me know the judge had reviewed it and it was granted. I was late to work so I could pick it up and take it to the Sheriff’s office. I just felt the sooner I get it done, the sooner he’ll get served and hopefully the drama, threats, and abuse will fucking stop.

I have to print out all the screenshots of him threatening to kill me and have them for court. They said if he doesn’t come back for the hearing, it’s automatically granted for 5 years. Now with the temporary order in place, he’s not to come within so many feet of me, can’t have 3rd party contact, and can’t carry or possess a firearm. Therefore, if he really is trying to go to school to be a cop, that’s going to have to be put on hold.

Honestly, this is the last thing I thought I would ever do. I never saw myself pregnant, single, and putting a restraining order on my child’s father. I don’t feel good about it at all and it’s not my intent to make things harder for him. He has abused me mentally and emotionally, has threatened to kill me more times than I can count, and has now resorted to humiliating me. The cops told me that him sending that video is a form of stalking. STALKING.

After everything yesterday, I had a pounding, splitting headache that was absolutely crippling to the point of me considering calling in. I had to take some Tylenol and lay down for about an hour and it finally subsided. I know that letting people get to me doesn’t occur too often but anyone in my shoes would have been just as upset as I was, especially when I didn’t know he had taken the video in the first place without my knowing or having my permission. The only good thing about it is you can’t tell me it’s because it’s too dark, you can’t see my face or any of my tattoos. He’s really lucky or else I would be talking to a fucking lawyer.

This situation has been nothing short of a fucking nightmare and I’m hoping with a restraining order in place, I can get back to not worrying about him. Up until he had contact with my friends, I felt at peace with him being gone and just doing what I can to prepare for my child. Now that he’s talked to them, it’s busted this shit wide open and probably for the best.

I check marked the boxes for him to have to attend parenting classes and get counseling. I am hoping that it will get granted for at least a couple of years because it will make it a lot easier for him to have supervised visits or I’m going to be a complete wreck if he’s allowed to be alone with my defenseless infant. I am beyond terrified of him and what he’s capable of.

This is such a crazy, terrible time but I don’t want to dwell on it. I just want to continue being in a good place and I have to find a way to forgive him and let go. Let go of the hurt he’s caused and not get worked up about his abuse anymore. I just want to forget about him, at least for the time being and hope he just doesn’t show up for court and stays where he is. I just want the drama to end because I honestly don’t know how much more I can handle.

The way this guy has treated me you’d think I did him wrong in every way possible and that’s not what happened. He has completely destroyed any bit of trust I could ever have for a man and that’s why I plan to get my tubes tied and I can’t even think of a man touching me in a sexual way ever again. This situation has truly scarred me and I do worry about never being able to move on from it.

He made his choices in this situation too and made sure to fuck things up beyond repair. He gets me pregnant and leaves the state a week later to start a new life somewhere else. He chose to be as abusive and mean as humanly possible until I finally just completely cut off contact. He chose to threaten to kill me over and over again. He didn’t want to even attempt to make this a good situation for our child and I tried harder than I have ever tried with anyone just because I want my daughter growing up knowing her Dad.

All I know is I’m just ready to move forward and leave all this toxicity behind. I don’t want to worry about him anymore or even think about him any more than just a passing thought. It makes me feel a lot safe knowing that if he tries to contact me or comes within so many feet, all I have to do is call the cops and he gets arrested.

My friends truly believe he would hurt me if he got the chance. I agree with them. It is just so crazy I’m having a baby with someone that probably hurt me. Sometimes I wonder what in the actual fuck I’ve done to deserve any of this. All I’ve done for years is work, hang out at home, pay bills and have allowed myself to get used.

Anyways, it’s getting late and I need to lay down. I’ll write more tomorrow about my nurse visit and a group I may attend next Thursday.