Noah in Inside My Head

So my second postpartum experience is vastly different than my first. No PPD, just generalized anxiety about going back to the job that I hate. I spent half the morning applying to jobs. The recovery following a VBAC is absolutely preferable to my c-section recovery.

I love staring at Noah and holding him. I wonder what his persoanlity will be like and what his interests will be. I never really got to experience or enjoy the newborn phase with Sam because of my PPD. I feel awful for Sam; I didn’t cuddle or sing or really love him until several months after he was born. Im not a fan of preacruptuon drugs, but sonetumes I feeI like the Zoloft saved my life. Now I love him with everything that I am and don’t need medication. I just feel like my postpartum depression following his birth really robbed the both of us. Everyone tells me that it doesn’t matter now, but I feel awful that I’m bonding, or trying to bond, with Noah but didn’t even attemot to initially bond with Sam.

Noah’s bris was yesterday; I was hysterical crying during the procedure. With Sam I didn’t even cry. I was so relieved that he fell asleep afterwards. The neverending guilt is sometimes so crushing and relentless.

Speaking of guilt,.I am trying so hard to get another job and haven’t really heard any responses. I will cry and possibly have a nervous breakdown if I have to go back to my job. It means that both boys will be in daycare 40+ hours a week so I could work a job I despise. Staying home isn’t an option because I make six figures which would be a huge hit to our budget if I just didn’t work. I cannot go back to working nights. I’m trying to apply to part time jobs, but haven’t heard anything yet. I’m so anxious about the job situation I have chest pain. I want to just focus on being with my sons and instead I have this gnawing anxiety about the job search. It sucks for lack of a more eloquent description.

I’m going to go with Noah, who is currently sleeping in my lap. He will.make me feel better…

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