Tabula Rasa in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I haven’t really spoken to Charlie since October. I never wrote about what happened because it was really upsetting. If you’re lost about who I’m talking about, take a quick peek at 3. Fable (The Man’s World Mix), I didn’t finish the story because it happened around my birthday and it was a complete disaster. We were supposed to meet in downtown Sacramento, which is where he lives, but he had to go to some thing for his friend, and I wanted to go to a bar that my friend Laura worked at (I think I mentioned Laura when I went out with Kat a month or so ago). Long story short, Charlie left me high and dry sitting in front of his apartment at 4 in the morning with no answer. I haven’t really spoken to him since.

I didn’t write about it because it was just another really shitty thing that happened in October.

Yesterday, I got a message from him.

Charlie: CAN WE PLEASE GET A BEER ALREADY. IM NOT YELLING, JUST ENTHUSIASTIC.

Me: Well last time you ditched me so maybe

Charlie: I do remember that and honestly i dont have much of an excuse. My evening got away from me and i let my friend down. I understand any reservation you may have but, in a flood of faces, friends, and acquaitances, you have always been my friend and, as we get older, i find those numbers dwidling. Its not meant to be an excuse, but i really value your friendship. You’ve been nothing but a good friend to me.

Me: Ha okay

Charlie: Hmm.. you’re skeptical. I get it. But you’re still my friend, fucker, and its goimg to take more than your combative disposition to shake me.

Me: We’ll hang out. I adore you and that’s why it hurt my feelings so much last time. I’m trying to make this year better than the last and that’s just me trying to be more judicious with my decisions.

He didn’t respond to that but I know him well enough to know that he understands. You know, I have a hard time with forgiveness. Well, maybe that’s not fair. I think I forgive people their faults when they wrong me while at the same time kicking myself for not recognizing those flaws when I feel as though I should I have identified them sooner. But it also makes me unwilling to put myself in a vulnerable situation with that person again.

The perfect example of this is Crystal. That situation is not too dissimilar from my situation with Charlie. Yet, she talked the same game that Charlie does. What am I supposed to make of someone who says over and over again how much affection they have for me but seem to completely disregard my feelings at every turn?

Can we really start over fresh when that memory lingers so strongly?

Despite my doubts, I do know this, I can’t stop giving people like Charlie a chance. I have to hope for the best because if I stop that, then I’m truly becoming the person that people always say I am: a misanthropic shut-in.