Curse you, Builders of Cape Town! It is now time for the ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH!! Training, My "brother" and more... in Life as I know it...

As I'm sure any Cape Townian knows, our manual labourers are full of KAK (Afrikaans for shit). The new Bistro I've been hired to be the pastry chef/baker of has had it's opening date postponed once again due to the men in blue overalls.

This is the position of my dreams. After a not so friendly parting with my old employers due to working without a contract, working up to 22 hours a day and having to be in charge of 2 new trainees, I had started to lose my passion and love for my craft and was worried that I wouldn't be able to cope in this industry anymore. Until this position came along, now all I want is for the bloody place to open so that I can start working and being passionate about my work again!

As some of you might have read, I am an enormous Professional Wrestling fan. It has been one of the few constants in my life. It has always been there for me, from the age of 5, and yes, I know the outcomes are predetermined, but I don't care. There are still those moments that create the suspension of disbelief that give me goosebumps and it is not uncommon to see me cheering and jumping up and down when one of my favourites goes out there and kicks some ass.

Last night was the annual "Royal Rumble" Pay-per-view event, the focus of which is the Royal Rumble Match. These matches have been my absolute favourite since I started watching. I remember sitting in front of the tv right before school, watching the royal rumble for as long as I could until it was time to leave. Here in South Africa, our wrestling television times are pretty messed up, not to mention the programming being about 4 - 6 weeks behind what is currently happening. Unfortunately, this means that I download the weekly shows and monthly ppv's, which I do feel guilty about, but I'm sure as hell not going to wait 6 weeks and have the match spoiled by already knowing the outcome that is plastered all over the wrestling sites and facebook. The download will be completed in 5 hours time and I feel like a little kid again. I love wrestling so much!!

I just had a great DDP Yoga training session after 2 days off and not eating too well. As usual, I've been overdoing it. This fine line of normality between absolute training and eating obsession and absolutely no training is something I desperately need to find. My days of hardcore bodybuilding and dieting killed me, it ruined me and I suffered complete burnout, usually once a year, only to be back on track within a few weeks of rest and binge eating. I constantly have to check in with my thoughts, to make sure that I am not overdoing it and that my world doesn't revolve around it and that it isn't all I think of. Exercising makes me feel so anxious. It makes me feel unsafe and like I am not in control. It makes me scared. I don't know if this is because of my rugby playing days where we were drilled to absolute exhaustion and vomiting or if it's because I am afraid that I might struggle and get pissed off with myself, because I used to be able to do these things with ease when I was all big, buff and ripped, but I don't ever want to go back to those miserable days.

My body issues and poor self-image contributes to a large portion of my social anxiety. No matter how many people tell me that I am attractive, that I look great or that I am "sexy" (I hate that word), I do not believe it. I think this stems from my early teenage years when I used to be extremely overweight and was teased, mocked and bullied at school and would then come home to even worse abuse from my disgusting, crystal meth addict, prostituting, psychotic, schizophrenic brother who is currently on a court ordered 1 year minimum of rehabilitation in a primary facility and another year in secondary care. He was locked down for a few months in the criminally insane ward due to his absolute schizophrenia and meth-induced psychosis, but enough about him. He doesn't matter anymore.

I just want to be normal, to be able to walk down the street without constantly thinking that people are judging me, that they think I am ugly, fat, strange, inadequate and weird. It is so f**king exhausting...

Anyway, I think that's it for now. Thank you for reading and feel free to comment, but if you have something bad to say, rather don't. I already say enough bad things to myself without you're added support.

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