The waves at night in Random Thoughts

A couple of thoughts:

I’d like to live more in the moment and think less about the immediate future. I find myself thinking about what plans i have for the next couple months and how fast time is going to slide by. Birthday weekend, Seattle conference in March, yoga retreat at the end of March, Spring break the first week of April… then.... then, it’s almost the end of the school year.

That’s way too fast.

Stop. Stare at the clouds more often. Take my shoes off and feel the grass between my toes. All the little joys in life.

My brain has done a really good job of not replaying conversations, or creating conversations on it’s down time. This has been a big part of my anxiety in the past. A lot of that would be connected to issues i had with communication. When i was with Mark, so many years ago, it was a very distortedly large issue in our relationship. If we had gone to counseling from the first, we would probably be married with kid(s) and i would live in Bellingham. le sigh I am ok with this, because it is such a different part of my life and i have changed a lot.

It has been a few months with Ian now. We haven’t spoken directly at all about what is going on with us. I feel a bit uneasy, but i am allowing things to be. Normally i am super concerned, worried, agitated (one of those thinking about thinking about thinking and going over conversations in my head all the time). I do think about him a lot, i wonder where we will end up.

I’ve decided its ok not to know. I have a tendency to make rash decisions during that new relationship energy in the early parts of my couplings. I did that with Kevin and. Well. I lost three years of my life where i could have found a quality person like my love, or someone who would have loved to make a child with me. Now that i am almost past childbearing age, maybe it doesn’t matter any more. But still, its best to be cautious.

But, maybe a list:

• sex. i feel like if we get any more intense or close, we will combust
• those quiet times when we are both reading (or me knitting) and my feet are tucked under his legs
• all the quirky aspects of himself that he shows (the tickling bonding ritual)

And. Of all the men or women i’ve dated over the past two years, Ian is the most my type the most . the most . the most .

I knew it from when he sent that first okcupid message.

My proclivity has been towards the men who don’t communicate well. I actually have no idea how he feels about me. No. Clue.

So much easier, in one way, to just let things be. So much harder, too. So hard to say, “Hey Ian. I like you. How do you feel about me?”

One thing i am curious about, though, is how he feels about me having another boyfriend. I was clear from the beginning, i didn’t want to misrepresent my situation in any way. Ian is an adult and can make his own decisions. But i also know that it’s hard to be in a poly situation. I would probably be devastated if Jamie found someone he loved as much as Gaby and I.

My beloved sister arrives tomorrow evening. I can’t wait. I have a little chest cold things brewing, i hope it does not become anything full-fledged. My body feels like its been fighting something for quite a while now. Good thing i have relatively healthy habits.

I turn 40 in 3 days.

My mom won’t be there to say happy birthday.

I was 18 when my mom turned 40.