Anxiety, stress, headaches! in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m not sure even how to start talking about this shit. It all started a couple of days ago when I let my anxiety get the best of me really bad where when I think about something too long, I get really winded and I’ve started biting down really hard on my bottom lip and now it’s bloody and sore.

Eric had someone message me on Facebook wanting me to contact him. I absolutely refuse because I just need the abuse, threats, and drama to stop. I know that I won’t be able to stop it forever, but until the baby comes I just can’t subject myself to it anymore. I made the decision to block him and leave it that way a month ago and plan to keep it that way. I have to do what’s best for me and the baby and it’s not being in contact with him.

Well I told my bestie about it and she messaged him. It was pretty much the same argument as if I was talking to him myself. He wanted to know the sex of the baby, went back and forth on paternity, called me names, and claimed he told his girlfriend about the baby and she’s cool with it as long as there’s no drama. Well, there won’t be because I don’t plan to have contact with him until someone of authority tells me I have to deal with him. He doesn’t mention anything about wanting to be in the baby’s life, anything about helping with baby stuff, just the same old mindless dribble that it’s always been.

The past few days I just can’t help but stew over my mistakes and getting pregnant by a fucking lunatic has been an absolute nightmare and I’m honestly scared of what the future is going to bring. I know that he isn’t stable but I worry about him getting custody somehow or him coming to see her and taking her from me. I just don’t know what the fuck I would do if something like that happened. I honestly believe it’s his life mission to make my life miserable. It’s like he thinks he’s gone one over on me.

I’ve been thinking about not filing for child support because maybe it would be better for me to have the baby and move away. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t plan to keep him away, but I just can’t for see a lifetime of worrying about him or if he has something up his sleeve. I just don’t feel like he cares about the baby, he’s more concerned about drama and having control over someone’s life.

I’m really angry, sad, depressed, and lonely because I’ve been by myself for so long and now, 4 months pregnant I’m still all alone. I know my Mom has made effort but I can tell she struggles to give a shit because she’s got so many problems going on in her own life. I’m grateful for my 2 best girlfriends because without them, I wouldn’t be nearly as strong.

Sometimes I wonder when I’ll reach my breaking point. I don’t know how I’ve managed to get through so far and I still have 5 months until the baby comes. This has taken strength I never thought I had but seriously, I know I’m going to fucking break. I’m sick of being alone.

It hurts to breathe. My eyes are swollen from crying and I now have a pounding headache. I’m going to try and lay down. I just don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to handle having so much on my shoulders. FUCK.