309 in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

And back again. It is a little bit funny, it is a little bit sad, that the mere fact of returning here makes me feel bad. The weather is much more cold, my body pains much more bold, my soul feels much more old. I am determined, by hook or crook, to tackle the pile of unfiled work. But it still is clear that my give a damn broke; like a bicycle wheel never given a spoke.

Well that’s enough of that. I really wish I had something worthwhile to write; but as it is… today is like every day before it. I awoke, went back to sleep, awoke again and contemplated how much I just wanted to sleep another 8 hours. Outside is cold, very cold, and I drove to work. Walk into my office; see the stack of unfiled paperwork; see my calendar which has one or two things on it for the entire week; and I sit down. Oh look… an e-mail about a case that was my Boss’ case, that then went to Ran, that Ran gave to a Conflict Attorney, who didn’t want to do the case, so they gave it to me. I almost wish I could summon the energy to care. After several sighs, some reading, and imagining myself experiencing life in a functional way… I contemplate my paperwork, and start reading Prosebox entries. I don’t feel bad doing that. Ran has been talking with Jude about his weekend for a considerable amount of the morning; so… whatevs.

I spend way too much time staring at Prosebox entries. Not really reading with comprehension… just accidentally allowing my eyes to run over the words and then moving on to the next entry. Meanwhile, the work continues to sit. Not getting done. And it is an odd experience because I feel bad that I don’t feel worse about my work just sitting there. But I suppose that is what it means to be in a position like this. When entire weeks can go by with no meaning, no impact, the sense of purpose fades. When the job becomes more and more “Make poor people poorer”; my soul fundamentally rejects the task. Legitimately… this county doesn’t need me; it doesn’t need an assistant attorney. Which is exactly what I suggested to them when they were making the switch to Ran. I told them, he’s going to work Full Time whether you make him FT or not. A competent attorney working 40 to 60 hours per week is going to finish (a minimum of) 3x more work than Boss did. Simply adding a basic level of computer intelligence/experience allows Ran to work at a lightning pace with infinite more organization. Which is made even more difficult considering that the rest of the region operates with Boss’ old speed. le sigh. This is one of those parts of my life where I realize “the guy nobody liked” was doing things “the smart way” while I am trying to do things the “honorable way.” ::eye roll::. I am a Full Time Employee. Suggesting that I should be spending at least 40 hours a week either in my office or in the court room. If I did my best work… on a week like this… I can see this job taking maybe 25 hours. So… what my predecessor would do… finish what work he cared to do, go home, play video games. What I do… never get around to the work (because it doesn’t matter) and stay, feeling trapped, in my office. I suppose that could be considered a personal conundrum. I don’t care about this job; but I want to honor my agreement to do the job. I don’t care about myself, but I want to be seen as someone who honors their agreements and can be counted upon when needed. A contradiction, I suppose. As, when things are considered, I’m not actually doing my job. But I’m in my office. Slaving away in as much as… I am present in a place where I can be reached by people and in a place where I cannot simply do whatever I want. In some ways, it reminds me a great deal of the last few months in PreTrial. It was far less about me doing anything or using my mind and abilities… it had devolved mostly into me just sitting in a room; waiting and doing nothing; until such time as I could finally leave. I suppose, this reinforces why the Chinese Law Firm should hire me, actually. A wide section of law practiced. Multiple cases. Writing projects. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see.

I’m back to that point where I’m falling asleep at my desk. I close my eyes… and don’t want to open them again. I should pop off down to the grocery store and pick up soda and coffee and what not. It is something, though. To be in a position where… literally today and tomorrow are functionally interchangeable. Whatever I do on one day could just as easily be done on the other and vice versa.

And… to put the cherry on top of “Fuck this shit. Seriously.”
Who are you named after?
Story goes that my parents were trying to figure out what to name me. They liked “Christopher” but weren’t sure if it would be a good match. My brother got excited and started chanting “Christopher Robin” and so my parents decided to name me Christopher.

Last time you cried?
It has been a while, it feels. I acknowledge that it is the uncrying of numbness. That in order for me to cry; something of significant emotional pain had to occur. Instead, I just float around like an unfeeling parade float.

Soda or water?
I am a soda fiend; which means I should really start trying to focus on having more water.

What is your favorite lunch meat?
Ham

Longest relationship?
Current one. Dated since 2005; married since 2011

Do you still have your tonsils?
Nope.

Would you bungee jump?
Absolutely!

How many years at current job?
I have been here since April 4, 2016. Thus 308 days or 10 Months and 2 Days.

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Not usually

Roller coasters?
I used to be able to do roller coasters no problem; but any more I get a bit nauseous.

Favorite ice cream?
Mint Chocolate Chip, Heavenly Hash, or Chocolate Fudge

Favorite thing to do?
Sleep, watch movies, Host Parties, engage in sexy times

Football or baseball?
Football.

Leggings or Jeans?
Jeans.

What are you listening to?
The utter silence of the office; making me want to fall asleep.

Favorite Color?
Green, Purple, Red, Black

Tattoos?
None currently. Considering Sic Semper Tyranus; *Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus” and some Comic Book Symbols

Married?
Yes

Hair color?
I had extremely bright, extremely soft blond hair most of my life. Now my hair is dark; just starting to transition to salt n pepper

Eye color?
Brown, deepness and hue changes

Favorite to eat?
Shrimp Casserole

Scary movies or happy endings?
Scary Movies

Android or iPhone?
Android.

Chevy, Ford or Buick?
Owned a Buick and a Ford before; never owned a Chevy

Favorite holiday?
Labor Day

Beer or wine?
Wine

Night owl or morning?
Night owl. But that is out of survival. Technically, if I could… I’d like to be asleep by 8 or 9. But wife doesn’t/won’t come to bed until Midnight which kind of turns me into a night owl who finds mornings rough.

Favorite day of the week?
Saturday.