You join me at a strange time... in Life as I know it...

You join me at a strange time in my life. Strange, but I feel that it is leading to better things. In order to understand where I am today, you have to know a bit about where I came from. Now I'm not going to type a 10 000 word essay on my life, but I'm sure that throughout my posts, most of it will be revealed as I draw comparisons or come to new realisations in my life.

The start of 2014 has been a bit rocky, which seems to be a pattern for this time of year. You see, I just broke up (or got broken up with) with my girlfriend, because she has gone to further her studies at the University of Pretoria. Now if you're not familiar with South African geography, Pretoria is about a 3 hour flight from Cape Town, which is where I stay. This came out of nowhere, the day before we were talking about what we're going to do together this year when she comes back from visiting her parents in Pretoria (I also went up there for 10 days a few weeks ago) and seemingly the next day, whilst Skyping she told me the news (mid-conversation mind you), that she won't be coming back and that she cannot do a long term relationship. I was prepared to take up the challenge, but I couldn't convince her, which was rough. Lots of crying, but this isn't my first run in with heartbreak... Neither is it the first time that the University of Pretoria has meddled in my romantic life! In December of 2011, I got the exact same news from my girlfriend at that time. That she was going to Pretoria and couldn't do long distance, so my relationship with Pretoria is not very good.

Another change that has currently happened, is that I just received an amazing job offer as a pattisier/baker at a bakery/bistro in a vibey, cool new part of town. (Say what you want about the hipsters, they've got money :P). This is a position that I was looking for and dreaming about while slaving away at my previous place of work where I was employed as the junior pastry chef. I was working anywhere from 10 hours a day and upwards. My record was a 22 hour day, thank you Mr Red Bull and Mr Lunch Bar. As much as I enjoyed working there and the work that I did, my soul was being sucked away and it had some terrible implications on my life. As you might have read in my "preamble", I have some "psychological issues", which involves taking a fair bit of medication, which, if things get out of sync due to long hours, can easily cause problems for me. That, plus the pressure, other happenings, relationship problems and my psychological predispositions caused what some may term an emotional, physical and psychological breakdown...

I won't go into all the detail, but it ended up with quite a severe overdose of all my medication (which is quite a lot) which turned out to be, obviously since I'm here typing this story, a botched suicide attempt. Needless to say, the next few weeks were ROUGH. Physically as well as mentally and emotionally. I did some real damage to my body and my central nervous system. About 8 months later I resigned from my position, stayed in bed for a week or two and then checked myself into Kenilworth Psychiatric Clinic. My 3rd stay in a psychiatric clinic, 2nd time in Kenilworth. Now for those of you who have a stigma and negative view on Psychiatric Clinics, please note that not all of them are prison/hospitals with medication induced zombies walking around. In fact, I have met some of the most amazing, kind and genuine people I have ever had the pleasure to meet in clinics. Normal people. Caring people, GENUINE people who have come across hard times or have been dealt a less than ideal hand of cards.

Anyway, after my 3 week stay there I was feeling really good and faced life again. Searching for work was terrifying, because I was afraid I would be interviewed by hardcore chefs who wanted to swear, shout and scream at me. I struggled, but finally I found the perfect position. I've also started doing DDP Yoga (check it out, it's amazing), eating healthily and stopped smoking. This wasn't really planned, it just happened. My relationship with exercise is quite rocky, as I used to be absolutely obsessed with training, bodybuilding, eating, counting the grams of protein, carbs, fat that I take in and had my life revolve around my training. This really took a lot out of me. I've always had a very poor self-image and little to no self-esteem. I was extremely overweight as a kid after my parents' divorce and I had a very abusive brother who I'm sure you'll hear more of as he turned into a prostituting, schizophrenic and psychotic crystal meth (or "tik" as we call it here) addict, but anyway, that's not important now.

Today I decided after 3 weeks of training, eating very healthily and being very health conscious, that I will have a "cheat" day. I decided that this morning whilst getting down on my yoga mat and starting my routine and just having absolutely no energy. So I went to the kitchen and had some of the tarts that I had been practicing. A Lemon Cream tart with Meringue Teardrops and Almond Sweet Pastry and a Dark Chocolate and Caramalized Almond Tart with Almond Sweet Pastry. I actually think this was a good thing as I hadn't tasted them before and I was experimenting in the kitchen while making them. I didn't want to taste them because of my anxiety around being healthy. So, I got to taste them, and they were really good. Especially the Lemon Tart.

The rest of the day I've spent watching Wrestling and Bob Ross' Joy of Painting, the man who's voice was once described as having the same calming, soothing effect as demerol. I'm quite anxious about getting back into the healthy routine after the day off and I hope I can do it, because I enjoy it. Actually, I'm telling myself right now that I can and will do it.

I think that will be the end of my first diary entry. Thank you very much for reading all the nonsense that comes pouring out of my mind, I try my best to be witty and funny at times as I feel that it makes people like me, but I often end up falling flat on my face.

Have a lovely day!! AD