3 hours before work. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got up early like I normally do and did laundry. I got some carpet stuff that I let sit for awhile and then vacuumed up. I changed out the wax in my warmers too. My inspection is tomorrow so I’m starting the process of making sure my house doesn’t smell like cats when they get here. I’m worried but my Mom is going to come help and just need her to put them in her car along with the scratch post and all I have to do is hide the cat dishes and food.

My friend didn’t call on her way to work but called a few minutes ago. I told her that I’m glad I’ll have kid because it’s going to save me from coming to everyone’s rescue like I’ve always done. My daughter will be affected by every decision I make so I won’t be able to give people rides in the middle of the night and I won’t be able to house people because I only have a 2 bedroom.

I highly doubt anyone I know is going to reach out to me once she’s born to ever offer to watch her so I can go to dr appointments and what not so when they call wanting to borrow money or needing a place to stay, I’ll gladly let them know that once they actually help me out, I’ll be there to help them out. It’s going to be a 2 way street from here on out. Out of the hundreds of people I know here, no one has been there for me as of yet and I don’t see that changing once she gets here.

My Mom said that she is getting $800 less for income tax this year and I really don’t care. I’m still really sore over the $1,300 I borrowed them 3 years ago and never got any of it back. They still claim my little brother so I’m sure they get a decent chunk of money regardless. It also irritates me that she wouldn’t tell me the amount. Again, I make my own money and wouldn’t ask them for a fucking dime so the secretive shit really gets annoying. She also said that because she had that little job for a couple of weeks, she won’t be able to get unemployment. Well, maybe if my Dad was a man, he could go find a job. I’m sure that once they get their taxes, he’ll make sure that money is spent in a fucking hurry like he always does too!

My co-workers were telling me last night to file taxes on creditkarma.com but it won’t let me change my password and it won’t let me go any further because I don’t know the current one. Apparently it got my one co-worker a few extra dollars so I’m going to try and make that happen. I’m waiting to file because I’m afraid I’ll spend it too fast on baby stuff and other things that I need and I can’t let that happen because it’s my maternity leave money.

I just filed my taxes and opted to get a paper check mailed to my house. I plan on buying a safe so I don’t have to put all my money in the bank. I’d be super happy if I still had some left over by the time I get back to work after maternity leave. I didn’t want to file just yet but I want to get it out of the way because I’m afraid I’ll forget to file all together and I need that money. It’s plenty so that I can be off work and focus on baby.

Ugh, I just know I didn’t put in the correct PIN so I’ll have to go through the hell to change it. Right now it says it was accepted but I had the same problem last year and had to spend a good part of an hour resetting the PIN to get the IRS to accept it. I just can’t remember it for an entire year. I’m also afraid someday I’m going to get in trouble with housing because I always have to sign paper saying I didn’t file taxes for the year before because I always print the shit but can’t keep track of it for a whole year until I need to give it to them!! I printed out several copies this time and I’ll do my best to put them in safe place, remember where that safe place is and hopefully have them in a year when I’ll need them!

One of the things the nurses made me feel really good about yesterday was when I told them I’m worried about putting my child in daycare and having strangers look after her is they said I’m not alone and they will help me find the right place for my daughter and will even help with the interview process. It honestly means a lot to me that these women are totally in my corner and will do everything they can to help me with my baby. I need that in my life because I still don’t have a lot of support and people I can rely on to be there for me so it’s great that this program exists.

Getting pregnant has already changed my life. I’m both scared and excited to see what the future holds. I think this is going to be the best thing to happen to me. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I’m glad I’ll have a baby to care for and it’s definitely going to be tough but I know I can do it. I know there’s going to be days where I’m ready to cry or scream, but it will all be worth it.

I’m very disappointed in the people around me but that comes with being pregnant. I’ve watched friends go through this my whole life and now it’s my turn. No one has ever been there for me before and now they have even more reason to disappear. I think it’s just really maddening how selfish and inconsiderate people can truly be. I’m just so angry at how much I’ve helped other people, how many times I’ve babysat FOR EVERYONE for free and now that I’m going to have a child, I know that I’m going to pay every time I need someone to watch her.

If I would have ever had a crystal ball, it would have saved me a lot of money and a lot of fucking heartache. I’m pissed at how much I’ve allowed people to milk off but from this moment forward, I know I can’t allow it anymore. I have a baby growing inside of me that needs my attention, time, money, and effort more than anyone else does. I’ve learned so much already about other people and most of it isn’t inspiring at all. It’s just crazy how you can always be there to rescue others but at the time you need them the most, there’s NO ONE there!

I get that I shouldn’t sit around and be angry over shit but sometimes, I just can’t fucking help it. I’ve always been the dumping ground for other people’s problems and now that I have a child coming, I can’t rescue anyone anymore. The only person who’s at least tried to be there for me is my Mom and now, I’m worried that if she goes ghost again, I’m going to be really upset so I’m trying to keep that in mind. I’m pissed at how shitty people have been towards me for the past couple of months but it lets me know that I’ll be alright without them too.

My nurses and I had quite the talk about my brother, his girlfriend, and my niece. Basically, I have to accept that I did everything I could do and said everything I could say and now I just have to let it go. It’s hard to do that because I’m so pissed that my brother fueled that fire and now there’s nothing he’s able to do to change her mind so I can see niece. I am trying really hard to just forget about her all together because every time I think about her, I just want to break down. It kills me that I can’t see her and may not ever again. The nurses and my bestie in AZ believe I will but I’m not that optimistic.

My Mom and little brother are probably going to spend the night this weekend. I’m cool with it but wish they didn’t smell so bad because being around them the other day made me sick to my stomach. They smell like smoke and wet dog. But it will be nice to have them around and have something to look forward to. I worry about my Dad ruining it somehow because he doesn’t like me and doesn’t like my Mom anywhere but home. I’m also still pissed about his shitty ass comments about my pregnancy too. I get so tired of his shit talking crap when he’s one of the biggest pieces of garbage I’ve ever known. I recall him having 3 children before he was married and it’s not like he spent his own money on us because he never worked.

I know that no matter what, people are going to have something to say. I understand that completely but I wish people had enough sense to keep it to themselves because this situation is already overwhelming and scary enough that I don’t need extra things to be upset over. It really bothers me that my Dad and my older brother have such negative things to say instead of just trying to be supportive or shutting the fuck up. I find it to be very rude and cold. I think my Dad LOVES when stuff like this happens because then he has something to talk about. I truly think he gets off on it because he doesn’t have any kind of life of his own other than milking off my Mom.

I was definitely reminded why I don’t have much to do with my Dad. It was seriously pissing me off the other day when I was on the phone with my Mom and could hear him making snide remarks. I know that he’s had plenty to say about me being pregnant and it just pisses me off because it’s not like he’s going to be a part of my child’s life because he’s a selfish prick and I’ll never leave her alone with him anyway. My Dad is such a negative, shitty person and can’t figure out why me or my older brother have anything to do with him. I get annoyed that people are so quick to talk shit about me having a baby when they could at least say something halfway supportive. If not, then I’d appreciate them shutting the fuck up.

Shit just pisses me off. I know I’m not perfect. I’m far from it but I have already done so much preparing for baby, making sure I have money for maternity leave, tying up loose ends and just being as ready as I can and I’ve been doing it all on my own. I really don’t need anyone’s negative comments because this is my situation, not there’s. Maybe if I had asked them for any kind of help, they would be warranted to say mean things, but I haven’t asked anyone for anything. I’m still shocked that my Mom and little brother finally attended a Dr. appointment and I didn’t ask them to. It’s nice when people just do things on their own. I’m not going to ask them to participate because I feel that if they want to be there, then they will be.

I told my Mom the other day that I didn’t want her telling my older brother anything more about my pregnancy because I feel that if he cared enough, he can walk over here and visit. Well, she fucking told him what I’m having anyway. I didn’t bother to confront her because she just gets defensive and isn’t going to apologize but it would be great if she could just ONCE in life, respect my wishes. It’s not her place to tell him my business, especially when I asked her not to. I’m not trying to be secretive whatsoever, I just want him to show me some interest instead of my Mom telling him everything so then he doesn’t have to.

Anyways, gotta start getting ready for my night at work.