Nurse visit. in Since OD is shutting down....

My visit with the nurses was great, as always. They were here about 2 hours this time. I just love having visitors in general and being able to connect with other people. They get me and that makes me happy. They are like my friends because they are able to put things into perspective and help me see things more optimistically.

We talked about the power/control wheel and the true meaning of abuse. Eric definitely fits the criteria and honestly, I know I’m better off. He’s got screws loose and I’m not going to put up with his abuse. They said something about him using the baby to control me and I’m going to do everything I can to shut that shit down. I let them know my plan of reaching out to him after we do the paternity test but I’m expecting him to be super pissed about child support and him acting victimized as usual. He’s always acted like everything is my fault, he’s the perfect angel and has even said I’m a bully?!

Because I disengaged from the contact with him, I feel so much better about having a baby and living my life. The main reason I’ve stopped talking to him is because once she’s here, it’s going to make it so much easier to take the high road when reaching out to him and not be overtaken my anger. If I were to keep talking to him, I’d eventually drive to where he is and curb stomp his face so it’s better for us to just live completely separate lives and try to figure shit out later. Again, I don’t plan to keep him from our daughter but our contact will be contingent on how he plans to communicate.

I’ve already made a promise to my unborn baby that I will do everything to reach out to her Dad and his family to see if they want a relationship with her but if I just continue to get ignored or have to deal with abuse and disrespect than I will shut the door on it and Eric can figure out how to pay for an attorney to fight for visitation or custody. I’m not going to live my life being emotionally abused or threatened by him or anyone else.

I want to reiterate that I agree every child deserves to know their child and have a relationship with him so I’m going to do what I can to make that happen but it’s going to be up to him to be respectful of me and put her best interest before his personal feelings towards me. Another thing, a lot can change in the next 6 months too. I have no idea where he’ll be or what his feelings are going to be by then either. He might just not give a fuck at all or he might be totally willing to mature and we can make a plan on how to co-parent. I know that’s unlikely because he’s abusive and crazy, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for baby’s sake.

I was talking to my friend on the phone tonight about how I just feel that I’ve already made so many mistakes and it kills me that my child is going to grow up with a single parent. She understands because she’s my youngest nephew’s Mom and my brother wasn’t there for her or his child. She understands everything I’m going through. All my emotions. My feelings of despair and frustration. She’s always been my rock and she also thinks I’ll see my niece too. I’m glad that she’s optimistic about it because in a weird way, it gives me some hope but I still don’t think it’s going to happen.

Anyways, I’m gonna lay down but I have more to say on that topic tomorrow. Goodnight y’all.