Risking an Open Heart in Everyday Ramblings

I know it is just a male mallard but isn’t this a handsome fellow? I am happy with the reflection and basically the shape and painterly texure of the shot. I took this today over at the Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge. I don’t think I actually made it over there last year. They have done a lot of restorative work and covered the really muddy patches with these drainable walkways. Not bad for a spot that used to be a garbage dump.

This is the place I was heading with Mr. Fine China on New Year’s Day but his knees started complaining vociferously at the 2-mile marker so we turned back there. We walked more than four miles that day; we were just on the public recreation path for two miles. I am normally lucky if I get over there once in February with our usual weather pattern. There is nothing usual about our weather now.

Speaking of February, I was a little concerned about Valentine’s Day coming up after seeing all the displays in the stores. Mr. Patron of the Arts and Mr. Zanzibar, two of my old boyfriends that know each other call Valentine’s Day… Amateur Day.

That would be Mr. Fine China in this arena.

I did drop a hint about where to find the world’s best cookies (they do make a Valentine’s Day box) but that just went over his head.

And I mean really what do you do for a woman who has received a chocolate torte Fed Exed from Vienna and rose petals scattered in front of her feet when she walks in the park. A woman who had received a perfectly balanced in color and texture hand picked bouquet of fresh cut flowers in creams and blues from the San Francisco Flower Mart, and a personally written love poem that was originally composed in French?

But I am sad to say in this case it is a moot point. Mr. Fine China appears not to have any time for me. And for whatever reason has decided that he doesn’t want to say that, clarify that. It is hard to say things to someone you like that you know are going to hurt them.

I have been officially shelved. Apparently my usefulness has run its course.

I will be okay with this.

Some time soon.

But for now I hurt.

That is the deal with making oneself vulnerable. The open heart is a risk taker.

I don’t have any regrets. I am glad we reconnected and enjoyed each other’s company. It opened up a world of longing and grief for me that needed to see the light of day. But it also gave me information about myself that I needed to know.

The doctors are coordinating my oldest sister’s treatment plan. She sees the radiologist next week. They are for sure going to do radiology and chemo at the same time. There is some tissue involvement outside the tumor. Not bad, but enough to make this a bit more aggressive than any of us would like. She’s dealing.

We are just giving her little things to keep her warm and comfortable with the promise of something fun and interesting for her 70th birthday next Saturday when she is through and her energy is returning.

The realities of the current American healthcare system and Medicare are maddening. She is going to be on the hook for a fair amount of the cost and there are treatments that are beyond her ability to afford. Even with help from us. It is all very sobering.

But she likes and respects her oncologist and he is the man in charge and in spite of her deep phobia about on site medical care, (she had polio and spinal meningitis as a kid and spent a lot of time in the hospital) she is responsive to his plan and will follow the protocol. She is amazing.

I am so happy to have the supportive family I do. We work at it and there are days when it is not easy, but we are very good to each other. Kes has been wonderful listening to blow-by-blow accounts of the unfolding an then folding back up of Mr. Fine China in my life.

Just one student on Friday night for yoga but she was someone I worked with privately and we had a blast. Fingers crossed I have a student or two tomorrow. It takes time to build a following. I will, but it will take time.