dreaming about the things we could be in 2013-2014

There's a conversation going on via Facebook right now, between three friends of mine whose opinions I respect immensely.

The professional student is freaking out about the $200k in student debt she's racking up so she can study abroad for awhile and get multiple Master's degrees. The two Naval officers are encouraging her to go Navy.

"As a Navy man, David's suggestion FTW. You'd be great as an intel officer! They do loan repayment too, and you're young, smart, have a degree, speak a language they need, and are in good shape! That's a much more rare skillset than you'd think, and disqualifies a lot of folks from this job! Rachel, there's still time for you to go be a METOC officer, BTW."

"Haha, don't worry about that. You'd be FINE for the physical requirements(they WILL get you there anyway if your run/pushups/situps weren't up to snuff anyway, and it's not as tough as you think). The discipline shouldn't be much of an issue either, you've seen for over a decade what a chain of command structure is like in band; it's similar in the military. Also, the officer side of the house isn't as rigid as the enlisted side. More is expected of you there, but there's less yelling, and no one in the fleet will make you "drop down and give me 20!"

"btw, to get in right now, you'd have to do 19 pushups, 54 situps, and run the mile and a half in just under 15 minutes. That's nothing; and when you hit 30, that goes to 17 pu/51 su/15:30 run."

There is a part of me screaming give me give me give me give me and it is at distinct odds at the part of me that wants to have a long-term place to live where I can curl up with Aaron and a cat every night. It scrapes even deeper because I could have it so easily. I know full-well that I could walk into any recruitment office and instigate a bidding war between offices. It's always been my Plan B.

I don't have a biological clock. I have a career clock. And a pile of taunting, mocking medical bills next to me. And a shrinking paycheck.

Sure, sometimes it's nice to entertain visions of throwing everything to the wind and storming off to join the military, but that's pure escapism; that won't make the medical debt go away. It's not fair to the elderly dog with a limited capacity for change and adaptability. It's not fair to the boyfriend with his own dreams, who just got back from the military lifestyle (if not commitment) less than a year ago. I just want the career fast track ticket. I just want the financial security. I just want to have a perfect set of circumstances that allows me these freedoms.

I feel so trapped.

I'm struggling with being happy for others, striving to do it even though it makes me want to cry inside sometimes. If Kate joins the Navy and gets access to her dreams, I will be happy for her even if it makes mine feel even further away and reduced. If the Gulf Coast gets a once-every-twenty-years snow event, I will be happy for them even while our snow debt continues.

The other side of this coin is that it's not that bad. Kate has more freedom to take the military avenue, yes, but instead of that freedom, I have an awesome guy who wants to marry me. They all might get measurable snow, but my town won't grind to a halt with people crashing their cars left and right. Other people might get raises as my paycheck shrinks, but there's a raise coming my way sometime in the future. There are things to be actively grateful for even as I don't get my way.

I'm currently frustrated and fuzzy-headed because I severely underestimated the Level 3. But I'm on the Level 3 video. I can do it. I just haven't worked out hard in a month, and I didn't eat well yesterday (binged on Chinese buffet for lunch), so I didn't have the resources today and had to stop 2/3 of the way through. I've eaten well, chicken and potatoes, and I'm on my second sugary drink. My blood sugar is slowly leveling out again, but I'm still scared to hop in a hot shower with my arms over my head. Pasta tomorrow for sure.

I can do this.

I can be happy.

So I will.

Maybe there are a ton of graduates and professional students with parent-subsidized trips abroad who can talk about Eastern Europe forever, who are better at language speaking than I am, but I'm still a badass writer and expanding my specialty knowledge to Central Asia. I am not allowed to write myself off just yet. I might not have it yet, and my boyfriend might one of the factors keeping me from the 'easy' track, but he won't let me give up, and he'll support me 100%.

And if all else fails, at least I'll be in shape. This Level 3 is going to perfect my quads to the point where a sustained back bend will be easy. Walking planks and jumping squats, I will own you.