37w 4d in Inside My Head

I’m nearing the end. Baby is generally super active. I’m enormous…so everyone likes to tell me which is super helpful for my self-esteem. I’m having pelvic pains, which I have been told is the stretching of my pelvic ligaments and bones in preparation for immiment birth. That’s super awesome and all, but makes it hard to walk. In combination with sciatica I look like a disabled penguin when I walk.

It’s starting to feel like first trimester all over again with the lack of appetite, nausea, and overall feeling of blahness. I don’t know whether or not I’ll be able to get pregnant again so I don’t want to wish away the pregnancy, but I just want to be done, as ungrateful as that may sound.

I had an ultrasound last week which confirmed that the baby is head down. I got the green light for a VBAC. Not that I want to push something the size of a watermelon out of my hooha, but I have to believe that the recuperation is better than another c-section. Plus the c-section screwed up my milk supply initially and I have no desire to go through that again. This pregnancy for the most part is almost the opposite of Sam’s so I’m hoping the delivery aspect will be different as well.

The doctors have informed me the the recurrence rate for postpartum depression is 70% so I want to be started on medication on day one. I’m terrified of PPD more than a c-section. I would rather undergo two c-sections if it meant no more PPD. We’ll see. Maybe being prepared for it will help.

I’m excited for the baby, but terrified of the prospect of a toddler and an infant, as well as the financial responsibilities of having two kids. I don’t know if it’s the beginning of PPD or if this is normal to occasionally get so panicked. It’s like waiting for a storm to come…I’d rather just have it arrive so I can stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’ all the time.

Artist