My weekend has started. in Since OD is shutting down....

I just did day shifts today, yesterday, and Thursday. I am super tired and glad to be home. It’s been windier than fuck all damn day so I got groceries on my way home so I wouldn’t have to go anywhere tomorrow, in case it’s windy again. I ate lasagna, corn, and potatoes for supper. It tasted so good and I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. I have eaten fast food the past couple of days and was craving something home cooked.

Work has been going pretty well lately. My boss even said today that I’m doing a lot better with certain things and even complimented me on how much shit I had gotten done in short amount of time. It did make me wonder if he’s never paid attention before because I’ve always worked just as hard as I did today. It was a good day though. I made $100 Thursday and yesterday and $75 today. All that money on top of my hourly was great because I have plenty of money to pay on cable bill, the rest of my rent, and some on my credit card.

I think about child support, daycare, and preparing for the baby a lot. I tend to dwell a lot on wondering about him paying child support or if I’ll be on my own paying for everything. I’ve already spent about $400 on baby stuff and still have plenty of stuff on my list to get before her arrival. I wonder if his family will help me out watching her so I can work or if he’s already fucked that up. Because his Mom never answered my message the other day, I wonder if he hasn’t planted the idea in her head the that baby isn’t his. I have decided that once we get the results of the paternity test back, I will mail her a copy so that we are all on the same page.

The child support thing is a genuine concern because if he doesn’t pay it, I’m going to struggle paying for EVERYTHING by myself. I know that I can do it, but I shouldn’t have to do it all on my own. If I could even get some to help pay for daycare, it would take a lot of stress off. I still don’t have set daycare person established and that concerns me too. I talked to that one and she sounds somewhat promising but didn’t say anything definite. I’m worried that the time is going to come for me to get back to work and I won’t have someone to watch her unless I’m going to pay out the ass.

Planning for baby would be so much easier if I was able to communicate with Eric. There’s times where I miss him but then I remember why I finally just blocked him and made the decision to not have any more contact until the paternity test comes back. He goes back and forth about paternity and I just don’t feel like it’s effective to talk to him anymore until after she’s born and we can do the test. I’ve tried every way possible to reason with him and there’s no getting through to him. I don’t know if he’s bi-polar or what but every time we message each other, he’ll apologize and tell me how much he misses me but then at the drop of a fucking hat, he starts being crazy and abusive again.

I know that stewing over everything now is a waste of time because I still have 6 months before she’s here and plenty of time to just relax. I know that things will work themselves out, but it’s hard to not stress.

All I know if I want to make myself clear that I don’t intend to keep Eric from his daughter. I know ALL TOO WELL what it is to be kept from a kid and I wouldn’t put anyone else through that unless I had a good fucking reason. No one has exactly accused me of keeping baby away from him other than my brother but I do want Eric to be involved so I’m hoping that when we talk again that he’s more open to being civil and we can work out a parenting plan.

When I was in contact with him before, he had been so emotionally abusive that I did originally say I would just write him off but I think because we haven’t been in touch for about 3 weeks, it’s easier for me to see things in a clearer light. I will take the high road and do the right thing for my daughter but if I talk to him and he continues to be mean, nasty, crazy and put me through another round of mental torture, things will go a completely different way. He needs to keep in mind that he doesn’t have any rights due to us not being married and if tries the bullshit of making demands like he’s done, things aren’t going to go so well for him.

I just don’t get how different his attitude is. He always talked about wanting a child and how much it meant for him to be a Dad but once I got pregnant, his attitude changed within about a week. I just don’t get men that are so quick to jump in bed with you and have fun but once you get knocked up, it’s a completely different story. I also don’t appreciate him acting as if this is all my fault. He said all I wanted was sex but yet he was the one sticking his dick in me though right?! I am also pissed that he would say shit just to get a reaction, like when he mentioned abortion. That is the completely wrong way to try and get someone to pay attention to you!!

My friend Heather asked me tonight on the phone if I still creep his Facebook and the answer is yes. I don’t think it’s so much that I personally care but I care for the sake of the child I’m carrying. I guess there’s a part of me that wants to make sure he’s still alive and doing okay. I do want Eric to be happy and I’m glad he’s found a girlfriend. We established we weren’t together when he left and he has every right to try and find someone to be with. I’m glad that I made the decision to just let things be for now so that we can both focus on our own stuff and revisit everything later on. Who knows where things will be in the next 6 months but I plan to just keeping doing what I’m doing.

Pregnancy is going alright. I do get winded a lot faster though. My ankles and feet hurt if I stand in the same spot for too long. The urgency to pee has decreased a lot and my nipples aren’t killing me now. Hormones are still holding out so I’m able to stay calm and rational. I can still get super emotional if I think about stuff for too long but at any given moment, I know I’m going to be okay. I’m really happy about having a girl and sometimes I think about her and smile. I wonder what she’s going to look like and what kind of personality she’s going to have. I’m not as scared as before either.

I’ve talked to my Mom about everyday. She still tends to go to the dr appointment with me on Tuesday. I don’t have high hopes that she’s going to suddenly become a better Mom or anything but maybe this is a start to something good. We’ll see.

Anyways, I’m tired and need to lay down because my back is killing me sitting up for so long.