ya know and here's the other thing. valerie thing. in 2017. got it.

so she knows i don’t want her calling the lady to find out where i am. and...........yet valerie did just that. she called the lady. or at least i don’t want her calling the lady w/o first telling me she’s going to. and if i don’t answer then don’t call the lady. and maybe that’s part of the reason valerie called me on.........w/e day it was, was bc she was going to tell me she’d called the lady. but if she hadn’t that’s saying she didn’t listen to me.
like if the situation were reversed. [and maybe it’d be different if i actually were her mentor]. I would never.call her boyfriend unless I knew she was ok w/ it. but if i knew she wasn’t i wouldn’t do it. and i’d wait untill she was. but we obviously have different ideas about respect and listening to people. and she apparently isn’t that perceptive if she’s not acting the way i would about it. it happens 3 more times and i’ll talk to her about it.
So like w/ my psych. There was one time she was going to tell th lady about something which i now don’t remember. but anyway. The point being she waited untill I told her I was ok w/............w/e it was before she did it. and valerie didn’t. even that one time i was worried about even. well i mean. that one time I was worried about evan and i told Muriel about it. well i knew he’d be ok w/ me telling her. i mean yeah i might tell my friend Mark about evan but I’ll never use names. I’ll just be like ‘so this friend of mine.......’. and then w/e it is. it’s weird but the fact that valerie didn’t listen to me er that she didn’t respect me.............it makes her more real. but that’s not what i want from her.no what i want from her is for her to stop interacting w/ every damn person she meets. she can do that on her own time not on mine and i don’t care if she’s comfortable w/ it. and i also want her to stop being so damn nice. I want real not nice. like fukin swear once in awhile! and not excuse herself. or i want her to actually get bothered by things. half the time i’ll do things just so she will be bothered. and then she’ll be real. and then i don’t have to try to figure out what she’s really about. i bothered her good. then she’s real. and i don’t even feel bad about it. i mean maybe it sounds bad to say...........or maybe it doesn’t i don’t know. but sometimes i feel good that she feels bad and i’ve caused that. See this is another problem i had w/ stephanie was she wasn’t............she wasn’t real. even when she was bothered by me she always tried to talk to me about it. Sure now there are things i miss. but it’s not like ‘damnit i sure screwed that up’. er i mean i did screw it up but in a way ii’m glad i did. cause i’m not living w/ her anymore and thank god. again the best time i had when i was living there.was when she was in vegas. right cause she wasn’t there. living there wasn’t...........it wasn’t doing anything for me so.
um so yeah.
and i know it’s funny i’m going on about people not listening to me when i don’t listen to people. yes but like i said. in this regard i would. also the other thing is as i’ve mentioned i don’t like surprises. and so now. i can’t trust valerie not to surprise me like that w/o warning. [well obviously it’s a surprise if i wasn’t warned which is my point]. it’s more the surprise part then anything. but i’ve.somewhat stopped trusting people so. i’m a little surprised she did this [or, i guess to be more accurate, didn’t. as in she didn’t wait] but w/ how my life’s been i’m also not all that surprised that someone else didn’t listen to me. no why would i be. i’m just surprised that she’s the one who didn’t.

Last updated July 16, 2018