299 (Continued) in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

As my day has been… well… yeah. My job could just as easily be done by a Legal Secretary; so me here right now is like asking a High School Senior to take a 7th Grade Literature Course. So… just to go through my previously listed To Do:
Item 1: Complete. Took 60 Minutes.
Item 2: Complete. Took 30 minutes.
Item 3: Not doing it. I mean, yeah, I could. A clean desk would be a positive but.... nah. Don’t want to do it.
Item 4: Complete. Took 45 minutes.
Item 5: I… hate calling lawyers. I do. I just do. But, I took care of this one! Took less than 30 minutes. I mean… the actual phone conversations. Working myself up to make the phone calls, obviously, took longer.
Item 6: Done. Voice Mail.
Item 7: Done.
Sooooooo...... in total, (including reading Prosebox and trying a crossword puzzle) I did a grand total of maybe 210 minutes of work today.

But (thanks to the new Historical Side Bar Feature) I was reminded that on this day in 2014, I officially moved everything from Open Diary to Prosebox. Which led me to thinking about my OD history and history with this site. I’d had an Open Diary through much of High School; but after my Abusive Relationship, I quit. I started up again briefly in College, but I was bullied off of it. I was trying to navigate “dating” and “sexuality” while figuring out if something was “wrong” with me… and mostly I got women calling me bad names and a lot of hateful responses. It was very upsetting and I left Open Diary; certain I would never return.
I got married in 2011 and within 50 days of the wedding, my Wife and I moved to a new state where she continued to work at Wal Mart (just one unlike any she’d worked in before) and I started Law School. Between the July of our wedding and that November; we’d had sex approximately 3 times. And then… none at all. 2011 became 2012 became 2013 and no change in that status. I could no longer deal with trying to sort the situation just in my head or just with my religious parents. So I returned to Open Diary. And the first sentence I wrote after (at least) a 6 year absence was: “I am here requesting help.” Ultimately… from November 2011 to when we had sex again was almost 3 years. All of my Law School Exams; my first Bar Exam… all of those passed by in that time. So, in some ways… Wife and I are in a much better place… as I am relatively certain she and I are likely to have sex again sometime this year. But, as has been discussed even just this week… the whole issue itself remains problematic.

Reading through some of those old entries though (even OLD simply dating back to 1 year ago)… I am heartened and glad to see notes from people who still read me and whom I still read.

You know… if I had the power to change ONE, ONE item of political significance in the United States… do you know what it would be?

I would require “Voting Districts” to be established by a non partisan committee that were required to use legitimate “simple” shapes. Squares, Ovals, rectangles… none of this cockamamie ridiculous drawing weird lines to skew the District bullshit. Because, honestly, THAT is why Politicians don’t listen to voters. A politician doesn’t have to represent The Public… they just have to make sure their voting district supports their political party. Which creates situations like what we have now. Gerrymandering :(

RANDOM:
Dejavu (sp) is so weird. I would say over 90% of the times I’ve experienced it… it isn’t a random feeling of “this is familiar.” It is a direct, I’ve seen this precise image in my head before while feeling this exact way before. And almost always after feeling that, it instantly pops into my head “I saw this in a dream.” It is weird. And as yet… I have not discovered a way to use this to increase my wealth or success, lol.

So… it is almost 3:00. I feel, arguably, that I cannot excuse myself from the office any earlier than 4:00. Typical leave time is 5; and I am often the last person here. It is an old thing that (while I’m not great at) was something I was once known for during Competitive Swimming. First in the pool, last out. In fact, I was so known for it… at the Sophomore or Junior Year End of Season Banquet… I was not present to receive my award (due to schedule conflict with a play I was in). The head coach jokingly said, “He’s probably still in the pool! Somebody tell him the season is over!”

So.... I share that to indicate my reluctance to leave here too early; but by sharing it… it causes me to reflect on something else.

Fibromyalgia (according to everything) has always been with me. And that tracks. Pain and sleeplessness were simply common elements of my life and I did not know or understand that other people didn’t go through the same experiences. But at some point in college; the pain became overwhelming. Anything and everything I had done to manage or distract from that pain failed me. And like a nightmare version of enlightenment… once the pain threshold had been broken; there is no going back. And while my medication certainly makes the pain manageable… the medication can not/does not take me back to a lifestyle before that threshold was broken. But… before all of that? Seriously, dude. In the pool at 5:30 a.m.; then a full day of school (including Orchestra/Cello and pulling solid Bs); then play rehearsal until 5:30 pm; then back in the pool until 8:00 p.m. Unless I had an Orchestra Concert. Or a Baker’s Dozen Performance. Or a movie to help with. I mean… before College… I was unstoppable. Emotionally unstable and in pain; but I was unstoppable. Now? Now I can’t even get myself to get into a jogging routine. And, sure, some of it is probably laziness. More of it is probably situational depression (a great irony as exercise would help that). But… the real, die hard truth… I’m now a little afraid. My pain is constant. And that pain typically manifests as achey muscles and joints. And what does exercise lead to? Achey muscles and joints. So… even though I understand more exercise would be good for me in a lot of ways… I’ve been to the other side of that looking glass. I’ve experienced what it is like to be in such mind-bending pain that you can’t move… for a week. So… despite Brother saying, “Exercise will make you feel better” and despite Wife saying, “If you lost weight, I’d probably find you more attractive”… there is such an element of fear and apprehension. Because even without adding exercise to the mix? I’ve had muscles in such pain as to immobilize and create the “blinding light” sensation.

So… I suppose… hrm.

I guess all of that leads up to what I’m looking at/thinking about today for after work and for the weekend.

After Work:
I am going to get some food. Considering my stomach pains this week; I’ve not been eating much but I know I have to keep pushing liquids and eating something. After eating… I shall probably play a video game. I had a friend ask me to play on-line with him today and, even though it is MBFITWW.... I told him no. Because what with our Blu Ray Player and Netflix Machine also being our Video Game Console… I haven’t played video games at all this week (except for briefly while I couldn’t sleep). And I just want to play a bit of video game without a social requirement for a while. Just to… let go of everything for a bit. Of course, while playing the video game, I’ll probably have some Erotic Audio Story on. Something to get me in the mood and take care of “the situation that Wife rejects.” After that, I really SHOULD exercise but… it is me, and I can imagine I’m not likely to. So instead, back to the video games or perhaps Prosebox or maybe working to finish one of my Prosebox DRAFTS unfinished pieces.

Tomorrow? It is funny. Originally, I had a Pathfinder game scheduled. But with how I’ve been feeling (and the weather) I did not want to do a 6 hour round trip for a 5 hour game this weekend. So I said I wouldn’t be able to make it. And the DM cancelled. I’m sure it is a coincidence but… that means that I still have not missed a single Pathfinder Game even though I live 175 miles away. So… cool. But Wife has both Saturday and Sunday off… which, for those keeping score at home… means my wife had Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday off, worked today, then has Saturday and Sunday off. She wants to go skiing. She loves skiing. I have only ever been skiing once and it was with her before we were married. So… I’m all for it. But (considering it is her bag, her desire, and she’s had time to put it together)… I will allow her to do all of the planning. Which means either… tomorrow I will be surprised with a well put together idea and we shall go and ski. OR (what too often happens) tomorrow I will wake up and ask Wife when we are leaving; she will shrug and say “I don’t know” and she will spend yet another day off just sitting in the house staring at the television. For her sake especially, I really hope Saturday involves skiing and not simply… more television.

I will say, though, hoorah for the last weekend in January. That just means 13 weeks until my birthday and about 20 weeks before we get out of here.

I have thirty minutes before I feel it would be acceptable to make moves to leave.