297 in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I did not write yesterday; nor did I read yesterday.

Instead, I awoke at 5 a.m. Laid in bed. Got out of bed at 7 a.m. Lay on the sofa. And try as I might… I could not will myself to give any amount of fucks about going in to work. Honestly. If I had been told the entire building burned down, I would have responded with the apathetic shrug of someone entirely disinterested. Thus, I called in. I told them I wasn’t feeling well and the threat of Major Winter Storms encouraged me to play it safe. I then returned to bed and slept until 3:00 p.m. I spent the afternoon cooking with Wife and watching Bones with her.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. Third morning in a row where I wake up an hour before my alarm. Third morning in a row where I wake up with a raging erection. I lay in bed until 7 a.m. Just… trying to pool the will to care. I decided that, since requests and ovations for sexual congress with the wife have continued to be rejected (again suggesting, her timing and her being super wasted are required).... I said to myself “Get up, masturbate, go to work. Three things. Do it.” And I did.

After I got dressed and went to my car… it was buried under a complete foot of snow. Cleared it all off, drove to work… nobody else was there. Whether by weather or by will; nobody else is here and/or giving a fuck either. Until a quarter to nine.

Jude walks in… steaming mad. Not because nobody else was here. She knew about that. She came in steaming mad because the Board is fucking with pay again. Specifically, hers. The entire county shut down recently when we were buried under SHEETS of ice. County Employees get paid for the day. The Board is supposed to give Jude pay for the day. The Board personally rejected pay request. Because… what? They are trying to fuck with this department? I don’t… I mean.... for fuck sake.

All of that coalesced into me throwing a bit of a hail mary play. A Chinese/American law firm in Des Moines is looking for a full time employee. I applied. We’ll see what happens. But… yeah. I can’t keep living in a place and working for a government where I have to gather my willpower for two hours each morning just to come in to work. Seriously; that is a problem.

Then I went to court. Another morning of Alcoholics and Drug Addicts. Seriously. I did a sentencing hearing on a guy on Monday. Tuesday morning, he shows up to the Sheriff’s Department (to finish paperwork) and at 10 in the morning blows a .125 BAC. And I’ll say it again… in a bigger area, 5 to 10 alcohol/drug issues per day is a drop in the bucket. In a small area, 5 to 10 alcohol/drug issues per week is a significant population percentage. Why? Partially because of the messed up way I do math. Partially because… in a bigger area… yeah, people can go to the bar… or the clubs… or the movies… or the theater… or a restaurant… and they serve alcohol there.... but you can also go to Museums and Art Shows and events that aren’t centered around alcohol. In a small area? Especially in the winter? There is the bar on the corner. And the bar across the street. Other than that… everything is closed. Which (actually) isn’t that impressive because the other two things (that would be open but for the weather) are The Cheap Crappy Movie Theater or The Cheap Crappy Bowling Alley. Frankly… especially because of the community perception… I’m to the point where I’d love to just say “We won’t prosecute alcohol cases anymore!” Except, of course I don’t, because what if an innocent passing through the county gets hurt by one of these drunken idiots. Then of course, there are the Meth Heads. Another thing where I am now of the opinion: do whatever you want; but as soon as you start to threaten the safety of others… fuck you. And… yeah. We were supposed to have a Mental Health Hearing today. But it is snowing again. And the sheriff’s office is “under staffed” (because of course they are, the county refuses to spend money). So we can’t do any more hearings today. And, in fact, there won’t be any arrests today because we “don’t have the manpower.” So… again… certainly not for the first time… this shitty little piss hole of a County would be a great place to start your life of crime, if you’re interested!

And now (noon) the world is closed again. I’m looking over my To-Do list. After the news I got today; throw out anything that requires speaking to a Deputy. I need to make a few phone calls to lawyers; those will have to wait until after the noon hour is finished. I have to admit… not caring THIS much… is exhausting. I mentioned something about it to my wife yesterday; how I’ve become so apathetic and out of fucks that I don’t know if the law even really interests me anymore. Thank goodness for her perspective. She pointed out all of the ways that I still get excited about the law, about talking about the law, about applying legal principles. She pointed out that I am still very much fond of the law and enjoy the law; but as everything surrounding the law here is… well… the way things are here… it makes sense that I’m conflating the two in my head.

Meanwhile, news about my country is sending me into anxiety attacks. Gag Orders? Executive Orders? Continued Hyper Paranoia about “Illegal Voting?” More “say what I feel” instead of “have facts and evidence”? If Donald Trump is not impeached and removed from office in the next 100 days I’m worried about the long term consequences of his lunacy.

At present, I am looking at my day. What I have accomplished. What I have not accomplished. What I should accomplish. And all I’m feeling is tired. Tired… and lonely… and unmotivated. And I want to tell myself that I’ll do better tomorrow… I’ll be better tomorrow. I just need to get more sleep; it needs to stop snowing; I need to get coffee tomorrow… and then I can tackle everything properly. But… I can’t say that with confidence. I can’t say that I won’t wake up at five a.m. tomorrow morning… will myself out of bed for two hours… finally leave the bed… and instantly regret everything. I have to figure something out. There has to be a way to survive this place for just a little longer… just survive and thrive here for another 6 months. Rack up a full 450 days here. I don’t know what it is going to be that gets me through. But I hope I figure it out soon. Because if this continues… or gets worse… I’ll be a liability in every way to everyone everywhere.