Another day alone. in Since OD is shutting down....

My days off are fucking terrible. I’m always happy to be at home and not go to work but sitting here alone in my apartment gets really depressing and mundane. I had to go take in my urine sample and tried to fax blood sugars to the Dr’s office but it wouldn’t work so I just called them in. I have to do my inspection for my apartment soon and I keep putting it off because I am just so lazy. I am extremely depressed and have gotten to the point of not wanting to be social unless I absolutely have to.

Since deactivating Facebook, the girl that I’m going to have watch my kid once maternity leave is over got in touch with my friend Heather to ask if I was mad at her because she wasn’t able to find me. Um, I barely even know her and have never met her in person. It’s seriously annoying as fuck when everyone thinks anything going on with me is AUTOMATICALLY about them!!!! It’s not okay for me to just deal with some stuff by myself or what? I guess my friend told her that I was just dealing with some things.

I’ve gotten into having my phone off unless I’m waiting for dr to call or needing to Google something without getting on my laptop. I’m just so shut down at this point and don’t care. I feel like I’m in a prison. Solitary confinement. I have no life outside of my apartment and my part time job whatsoever. I’m trying really hard to make the best of my situation but every day, it’s getting harder and harder. I know I need to get help but I don’t know where to turn because I’m still going to come home to the same place, have the same shit job, and the same fucking problems.

So Saturday I’m at work and the GM was asking me to cover for Sunday. I was already pissed that I couldn’t find anyone to cover my Saturday afternoon so I could go to my friend’s baby shower so him asking was bullshit and then when I mentioned how much I’ve covered for other people he said I wasn’t doing anyone a favor, I was just doing it because I was short on hours so I let him know I couldn’t do it. I’m not going to work unless I’m scheduled to no matter how short on hours I am because NO ONE ever covers me. He said he couldn’t believe that in the 3 years I’ve been there no one has ever covered for me and that’s when I reminded him why I don’t work during the day anymore. It’s too hard to find someone to cover so I can go to OB appointments!!!

I actually threw up for the first time yesterday. I ate too much spaghetti, took a nap, woke up super thirsty so I guzzled a shit ton of water and threw up 4 times. Most of it was just liquid but I have throwing up. I’m honestly sick of always being so fucking tired and never feeling good. I honestly don’t see myself wanting any more kids after this because working while being pregnant is absolutely awful!! My hips hurt, my lower back hurts, I’m nauseous most of the time and sometimes feel like I’m going to not make it through my shift because I’m so fucking tired.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m exhausted due to pregnancy or if it’s just depression. It really hurt when BD said for me to just let him live his life. I never thought he’d say something like that and it rocked me. I NEVER thought someone could be so selfish. All he’s done is talk down to me, threaten me, call me names, and remind me how I don’t have a future but he wants to just let him live his life?! Well if we raised the baby together, we would both have a better chance of getting degrees and providing a better future for our child and ourselves but of course, I’ll get to do this on my own.

No one is helpful. Everyone is really good at sitting back criticizing me instead of offering help or saying anything positive and I’m sick of it. It’s really tearing me down and that’s why I only talk to a couple of people now days. I am so tired of everyone’s judgment! I’m sorry I’m not perfect but I’m stable. I have my own place, some money in the bank, I’m able to pay my bills in full and on time, I own 3 cars that all run and are insured, and have already been buying baby stuff like crazy. No one has helped by any means and that’s completely fine. I’ve been doing everything on my own for over a decade so why having a baby should be different?!

I walk a fine line everyday between not letting other people’s absence affect me to being so angry I break down in tears. Again, I didn’t get pregnant by myself but I’ve already been handing all of this by myself for 13 weeks now. It’s not easy at all, especially being alone in my head all day long and only getting a break when I’m at work. It’s been a little easier the past few days because not only has it been somewhat warmer, but the sun has been shining. I don’t feel as down but Spring is still a couple of months away so the bad weather isn’t going to over quite yet.

I struggle trying to figure out who I am and what my life plan is. It’s definitely not this forever. I don’t want to be at this same job for too much longer and I want to make enough to consider buying a house. I want to be able to think about going back to school. I feel like I just need time to think about what I really want. I don’t want to end up just another welfare Mom statistic either. I work but once the baby comes, I’m not going to be able to even work full time unless Shithead pays child support. I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed.

I know that everyone says I’m a very strong woman and I am because I don’t have any other choice but some day, I’m going to fucking break. I’m sick of this same shit every day. I’m tired of having no one there for me. I’m tired of trying to figure out how I’m going to take care of everything. I’m tired of worrying but I can’t help it because anxiety is a motherfucker. I can’t just assume everything will work out until it actually does but there’s so much about this situation that I’m going to have to wait and see how it plays out too.

All I can say is after all the hurt, anger, lies, and abuse this guy has put me through, I’m not going to make this situation extremely easy for him. I’ll allow him to see his child but only when I have a break in my schedule. I will not allow for him to take the baby, he’s to stay at my house while visiting and I’ll make sure I have something signed by a judge saying I have physical and sole custody. He has a drinking problem and I am never going to feel comfortable with him taking baby by himself. I also don’t plan to go out of my way to make sure his family sees my kid either due to his Mother not being there for me after I was sure she would have. I don’t care if shit came up or not, I let her know a month ahead of time when and where the dr’s appointment was and even messaged her the day before and she didn’t even so much bother to respond and say she couldn’t make it.

I’m over people’s excuses and giving them a thousand chances. I’m tired of people just looking out for themselves and not caring if their selfishness affects me at all!! I’m fucking done. I’m tired of giving people several weeks notice of my appointments and then they flake the last second!? I’m full prepared to continue doing all of this by myself for the next 6 months until baby’s arrival but I can’t promise I’m going to be little Merry Sunshine if and when people change their mind and want to be around. Where were any of them the entire time I was pregnant?! They didn’t give a fuck then did they?!

Seriously, I don’t want to sound completely unreasonable or anything but this is the same shit I’ve dealt with my whole life. No matter how much notice I give people, there’s ALWAYS something that comes up. I’ve done more by myself than I’d like to even think about and it’s getting old. I don’t have anyone I can say is there for me. I don’t have anyone I could even count on if I needed a ride to the fucking hospital!

I’ve decided that I plan to start maternity leave a week or two before my due date because I want to make sure I’m able to drive myself to the hospital. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone to give me and my child a ride home because I can bet everything I own, no one will. Even if I have c-section, Dr said I’ll be able to drive so I will. It’s just sad how much planning I have to put into everything because I can’t bank on anyone helping me.

Anyways, I’m getting really pissed just writing about all of this crap so I’m going to watch tv and just enjoy the rest of my day off. I’ll try and write more later.