Dr appt, work. in Since OD is shutting down....

My dr appointment went well but I was seriously there for about 2 hours and then had to go to this other place across town for them to take my blood. I opted to do the Harmony test which is where they test your blood for down syndrome, some other scary thing, and can tell you the gender. I know I cheated so I can know sooner, but I should know by next week. Today, I am to pee in a little plastic hat and then pour it into this orange jug and save it in the fridge until I take it to them tomorrow. Yippee.

I got a little nap on Friday though. My blood sugar had dropped by the time I was done with running around so I had to eat. I only worked like 3 hours thank God. I worked all day yesterday and it was a pretty decent day. The GM wasn’t overly obnoxious or rude and everyone was getting along. I got a letter saying I’m not going to get food stamps for February so I’m going to call them tomorrow and see what I have to do to change that decision because that’s really going to suck. I either make too much and not get them or not work enough and still not get them but struggle to keep food in the house because of bills and buying baby stuff.

The dr increased my insulin so I take double the amount of before. I don’t really like this but if it will help the baby stay healthy, then I don’t mind. He said that I’ll see them more often then most patients because I’m diabetic. He checked heartbeat and it’s 150. The old wives tale says the higher it is, the more likely it’s a girl but it changes every time it’s checked. I’m still really hopeful I’ll get my little girl. I don’t really care either way but I’ve always wanted a girl so it’s nice that I’ll know within a few days.

I still feel really overwhelmed doing all of this by myself but I’m going to try really hard to just make the best of it. I can’t force people to change their minds. I’ve decided that I’m not going to reach out to people anymore and even deactivated my Facebook. I am just over reading everyone’s depressed statuses and the same memes over and over again. I just need a fucking break. I’m annoyed that Eric’s Mom blew me off because from what she said, I didn’t anticipate her blowing me off too and that’s what happened. I need to just worry about me for awhile. If people want to make the effort, they know where to find me.

The dr said we are going to do what we can to make sure the baby isn’t too big or too small to avoid c-section. I asked him if I would be able to take care of baby by myself if I had to do a c-section and he said yes, I just wouldn’t be able to drive but I told him I’ll have to because I don’t have any help and he said just don’t take any narcotics before driving because if I were to have an accident, it’ll automatically be my fault. I’m just glad to know that it’s possible to take care of my kid even if it’s born via c-section because I won’t have help.

I do worry about the whole child support thing because it’s concerning. I’m just afraid he’ll find a way to snake out of it and completely put this baby all on me. I’ve done a lot of reading on Google and it shouldn’t be too hard to find him because I know where he lives there, and where he works and because he’s on food stamps, the DSS office there already has his information. The best thing to do is probably have the Sheriff’s office here get ahold of the Sheriff’s office there and ask them to serve him. Just because he’s in a different state doesn’t mean shit.

All of this is really trying because even though I knew if I ever got pregnant it would be like this, but I was still hopeful it wouldn’t have been. Sometimes I still stay hopeful that people might come around but I’m already 12 weeks and it hasn’t happened yet so I am losing faith that it ever will.

It’s definitely not fair but I need to not worry about other people and just focus on staying healthy and doing what I need to do for my kid. I’m glad that the new OB is super nice and I think him and I are going to get along. They made me an eye appointment for Tuesday morning and I’m excited because I think that means I’ll get my contacts cheaper. It sucks that I have to be there at 11 on Tuesday morning because it’ll pry cut into my nap before work but I’ll get it over with too. My next OB appointment is on the 30th.

I’m just going to try and remember to not worry about other people because none of them are worried about me. It’s not healthy to dwell over anything because it’s counterproductive. I know how to take care of babies and everything so I’ll do just fine. I already have a daycare lined up that’s $20/day and even a backup babysitter so it’ll all work out. I’ve already done so much without the help of anyone related to me or the baby that sometimes I get pissed at myself for caring that they aren’t around. Well, they aren’t around because they don’t want to be!!!

My OB said that Eric’s the one to lose out. I think about coming home at night, giving baby a bath, how good they smell after they have a bath, giving baby a bottle and putting baby to bed and how I get to do all of that and Eric doesn’t because he’s too selfish. It truly will be his loss!! I know how lucky I am to have my own baby and I get to raise it so if other people don’t want to be a part of that, that’s on them. It’s just crazy how much he wanted a baby and now, he ran from it. You just don’t know how someone is going to be until a situation actually happens and that’s the scary part. It’s all fun and games until someone gets knocked up ya know.

I chalk it up so I’m around a bunch of really selfish people but I can’t devote any more time to trying to understand it. I just can’t help but be angry for helping all of them as much as I have and now, at the time I need them the most, I spend my time away from work sitting here alone in my house?! It’s definitely not right but it just confirms their motives on using me as well.

Anyways, I’m going to eat breakfast. More later.