Book of Miracles in Things That I'm Grateful For

I decided that I would not go to Maddie’s funeral, and I did it explicitly for selfish reasons. Out of the twenty-two deaths in 2016, I went to 17 funerals. Frankly, that’s too much grief and reflection. I spent far longer dwelling upon death in 2016 than I have in any previous year, and I’ve experienced an insane amount of death in my life.

I don’t know why, but I’m decidedly more positive and hopeful of everything right now. There isn’t a reason, just as many things are bad as they were a month ago but for some reason, they aren’t getting me down. I mean, people around me are a helluva lot more miserable than I am right now, especially with the inauguration just days around the corner, but I really don’t care. I mean, I was not a fan of President Obama when he was first elected, but we survived. I don’t suppose I’ll be as untouched by him as I will by this new President we have, but it’ll be okay.

I think I’m just trying to focus on moving forward, and even the news that I might not be able to get to Los Angeles as quickly as I wanted to hasn’t made a dent in it. Partly because I’ve decided to resolve whatever issues I can while I’m here. If I don’t clear the air here and heal some of the wounds, they’ll just haunt me forever, and the same things that prevented me from being happy will follow me to LA. I feel like I know enough to understand what is situational (i.e. my mother) and what is dependent on some real healing that needs to be done.

I guess it’s like there’s a book that has everything good written in it and I have to make sure I’m consciously adding to it just to record that not everything is all bad. When this time is over, I can see that book and chart the progress that I’ve made and believe in miracles all over again.

And that’s what I needed, I needed to believe.