A whole new level of depressed. in Since OD is shutting down....

The past few days, well basically for about a week now I’ve felt this nagging, incessant feeling of sorrow and sadness. It doesn’t help that the weather is STILL miserable. These sub zero temps are fucking killing me. It’s so draining to step outside and be freezing to death. I’m still super tired and I don’t know if it’s pregnancy, or dealing with all this negative shit around me but I need to try and look at things from a better perspective. I try until the hormones kick in and then I find myself crying my eyes out.

The worst part of pregnancy is hormones because your mood is changing all day long. I don’t like this at all. I’m used to staying completely chill and now, I never know how I’m going to be one minute to the next. I am still pretty cool most of the time but one thought, one memory can bring tears to my eyes.

I have dr appointment soon. I of course get to go by myself. It’s nice that I told my friend a month in advance and then the day before my appointment, she claims she had something come up so she can’t go with me. I also messaged Eric’s Mother who read my message but didn’t bother to respond so I think at this point, I need to quit bothering people and just go on my own. I’d love to share this with other people but no one cares so I’m going to leave them alone.

I just can’t help but feel really alone and invisible. I always have. I don’t believe I’ve ever had even 1 person really truly care about me. I also don’t think anyone who doesn’t care about me is going to show too much concern for my child either. I’m terribly depressed about all of this and it makes me wonder how life is going to be once the baby gets here. I’m not going to have any help at all and coming home from the hospital isn’t going to be easy, especially if I have a c-section because it takes longer to heal.

Anyways, I’ve discovered I don’t need a belt anymore. This is bittersweet because it’s nice not having to wear one and deal with it getting embedded in my fat roll but it means I’ve gained a good amount of weight too. Everyone says I’ll look it quick after the baby comes but for now, it makes me super sad because I worked so hard to get that extra weight off just to gain it all back.

Lately I’ve been thinking about adoption. I know that I’m gonna be a good Mom but the thought of doing it all on my own with no help is terrifying. I totally understand that life isn’t fair but not only do I get to carry the baby and deal with the physical changes, but I’ve already spent hundreds of dollars preparing for baby’s arrival. ALL BY MYSELF!!! No one is helping and no one will. I’m completely and utterly on my own and it’s not right because I didn’t get pregnant by myself but I got pregnant by a selfish piece of shit so I can’t expect anything less.

Whatever, I need to eat breakfast and start getting ready to go. I just want to get this done so I can come home and nap before work later. I have to work all day tomorrow so I’m wanting to be home early tonight.