willingness, compassion, clarity in Random Thoughts

I am amazed at how many different, perhaps conflicting, emotions can be felt at one time.

In therapy yesterday i explained how i felt in regards to my mother’s death.

still

calm

sometimes walking around with the familiar heaviness of malaise i am so used to. but. it doesn’t color every step i take, every eye i (don’t) meet

I feel as if there is a layer over my skin (he called it a semi-permeable layer) that acts as a buffer. If i sit with it and slow myself, i can feel a slight vibration.

I haven’t had an overwhelming expression of grief. Or, felt it’s shadow.

Over break i took three nights at a hot springs i love. I needed quiet reflective time, especially because i was not feeling upset. I thought perhaps i needed some time to sit with it and allow the grief to come. Or, to figure out what was going on with me.

But what i found out was that i didn’t need to figure it out. I just needed to be. Not worry. Allow.

willingness, compassion, clarity

Its a jumble. Not my feelings about my mother’s death, but. What i want to say.

Jumble #1: Have i ever mentioned that i frequently check in with my ego? I am not sure if that is the most correct description to what i mean, but i can give it a try.

I’ve always had this feeling that i am special somehow. Not amazing or talented or important, just special. Once when i was a preteen or early teenager i told my mom and her friend that i felt wise beyond my years or like an old soul or something. I think they just laughed at me. When i began the more spiritual path of my yoga journey and was having such physical reactions to the books and lectures, i felt like something was opening up within me. It made me feel special. I’ve always had some sort of charisma, you may call it, or aura that attracts people (not everyone), an energy that i love to exchange. That makes me feel special.

But, i feel humble. I am not better than anyone else. I just am. Like others are. People in this world. I like to make sure this special part of who i am does not put up an egoic wall where i could possible build up a ‘false self’. I check and try to challenge my judgements. I try to be aware of those judgemental aspects of myself, try to be aware of the dark and the light within my self.

I work on being a part of a life where i can be myself authentically, and allow that in others also.

I don’t know if that has any meaning except to me.

Jumble #2: I had one TRE session after my mother died, it was the week before last, the last week before school was back in session.

My movements have changed. They were more subtle, quiet, calming, warm. They were less vigorous and/or violent. Not violence in a painful or jagged way, but …

Well, either way. I don’t know if i can really explain that.

So. At home, during meditation, the movements have been accompanied by laughter the last two times, and a sort of a song or song-like vocalization the last couple times and at TRE. Today i just let the laughter come and wear itself out to the end of whatever it needed to be.

The laughter was joyous. The vocalization… hm… calming? None of it scary at all. This makes me very happy, because i was needing to stop my meditations before, as a caution. Now i feel ok with allowing it to take a path.

I feel a melancholy, perhaps brought on by music i haven’t listened to in a while (Sigue Ros, Joni Mitchell, Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter). But also, i have never been as happy in my life as i am now.

And one year ago today my love sent me his first message on okcupid. Lucky me.

And now i am working on being smitten by another man. What a life. What love.

“Happiness can never come from outside. Even if it seems to be coming from outside, it’s only a reflection of your own inner happiness.”

Swami Satchidananda