Doing alright. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been a few days since I blocked Eric again and I’m doing fine. My best friend says I keep trying with him because I do want him around but once I realize that it’s just not going to work and how toxic he is, I’ll stop. I know that I want him to be a part of this but because he’s just so mean and nasty, I just can’t allow him to be a part of this and make me upset. It’s scary enough having a baby but when the father of your child makes you feel absolutely terrified, it’s time to cut them off.

This winter has been absolutely brutal. I can’t stand the sub zero temps anymore and my feet are always freezing. I can’t get them to be warm hardly ever and it’s really uncomfortable. According to Google, this is a sign it’s a boy but there’s a lot of other factors saying it’s a girl so I honestly won’t know until my ultrasound which won’t be for a few weeks. I’m not tired of freezing my ass off and honestly want to consider moving in a year or so. I’m getting older the cold is getting harder to handle every year.

I had my one appointment yesterday and then got my oil change and a bunch of stuff for the house like toilet paper in bulk, paper towels, and some more baby stuff. I’ve been buying stuff with coupons and want to start doing that more often because even if I can save a couple of dollars here and there, it all adds up.

My friends husband was in town and came over last night. He put my bed frame together, put the mattresses on it, and helped me make my bed. I am so grateful for him because it doesn’t hurt as much getting in and out of bed now. It also looks a lot better too. I love when people help me even with little things like that because I can’t do it myself and my family won’t help. He was here for a about 3 hours and it makes me want to move so I can be closer to them. I know I don’t want to be here forever but I promised my other friend I’d stay until after baby is born to see how things play out.

Ugh, I’m so tired. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and got a little nap today but holy shit I just feel wiped out. I did get a letter yesterday and will get help with my electric bill for a few months and I’m beyond thrilled about this. It just means more money I can spend for baby supplies and I can run my heat as much as I want so I’m not freezing. I usually just have the heat on when I get home at night to make it warm enough for me to fall asleep but now I can actually leave it on all night. My bill last month was absolutely crazy because I don’t run the heat much but because it was so cold, it costs more to use.

I haven’t heard from my family much, except my Mom text me to say she found a job. I haven’t heard from anyone else. She text me yesterday and asked how I was doing but I didn’t have the chance to text her back.

As far as the whole Eric things is concerned, I can’t worry myself about what he’s going to do. I am not sure if he’s coming back or not. He did mention he’s having a rough time down there and isn’t doing good with bills. All I know is he should really utilize the next 6 months and get himself stable because that will make it easier for us to share custody. It’s not my goal to keep him from his child but he can’t show me progress, it’s going to make it easier to say no. He couldn’t make it here having no bills so I’m not sure how he thought he’d be able to a couple states away having to pay his own way.

He’s always wanted to get married, long before I got pregnant and it’s just not possible. On top of him treating me like shit, he doesn’t have a clue about paying bills and being an adult so I’m not going to be dumb enough to marry him. If I did, it would compromise what bit of help I’m getting and I’d be stuck paying more for everything but I wouldn’t be able to rely on him to pull his own weight. I need an actual partner and that’s what he doesn’t understand. Up until now, he’s been a man child where all he did was work and blow his paycheck on whatever the fuck he wanted. He’s in for a rude awakening.

I honestly hope he gets his shit together for the sake of his child but because he’s 32 and has NEVER been in a good place mentally or physically, I don’t see a baby changing that. People have to change for themselves, not anyone else. I also have my concerns about his drinking too. There’s going to be a lot of stipulations for him once the baby is born and not to be malicious but to protect my child.

Anyways, I’m going to lay down for a few before I have to get up and start getting ready for work.