A bad start to the new year in The View from the Terrace

Our new year didn’t get off to a good start as it was spoilt by a stupid upset. It’s such a shame as Christmas has been good this year and on Friday we had a lovely visit with Cat and David. We weren’t planning anything special. Tony was out celebrating with Justeen and I had got a few little treats in to celebrate the New Year here with Hubby while watching the London fireworks on TV. We watched Casualty then I was on the computer for a while and at about 11. 15 I went into the living room to suggest getting the snacks out early as I was hungry. Hubby was watching something on TV and I made a comment about it and he totally blanked me. I just hate it when he does that. It makes me feel like a non person. He never does it to anyone but me although he denies that. If he doesn’t quite hear what I say or if he does hear but doesn’t want to get into a conversation he just acts as though I haven’t spoken. Usually I ignore his behaviour and simply repeat what I said louder so that he can’t ignore me but I haven’t been well today. I woke with a very bad migraine and wasn’t well enough to get up until nearly lunchtime, by then the pain had gone but I felt stressed out, I’m not sure if it’s the migraine or the side effects from the tablets but that happens sometimes.

I think it all just got to me. I don’t get any real emotional nourishment from him and because I am ill such a lot I don’t get out socially very much and I can’t ask people here because the house is always a tip because of his hoarding and disorganisiation. So when he ignored me I told him he had upset me and he responded in his usual way of saying he didn’t mean it like that. He did say sorry but in that tone that really means please let this go your just making a fuss over nothing. So then I said that he had upset me and until he put that right I didn’t feel I could celebrate the new year. I just wanted him to say sorry and sound it, that’s all, but he put his head down like a little boy and said I don’t know what you want me to do. That did it. I hate it when he does that it makes me feel more like his mother than his wife. Cat used to say she hated him doing it with her as it made her feel like he was acting like her child when he was her father so it’s not just me.

Well of course he didn’t do or say anything, he just tried to wait it out and then asked if I was going to get the drinks for the New Year, and I did but my heart wasn’t in it as I felt he had won again. I mean why can’t he say sorry and give me hug. Then we found we had missed the New Year and the fireworks had started and I commented on that and he ignored me again, when I asked him why he didn’t answer he said he was watching the fireworks. How could he just enjoy them with me almost in tears beside him?

Then Tony and Justeen rang to wish us a Happy New Year, at least someone cared, I was touched they did that. I will probably watch the fireworks again on You Tube as I really didn’t enjoy them.

I don ‘t want this to taint this New Year but it’s so hard living with this man who shows so little emotion and gives so little emotional support to me especially when I am ill such a lot and I have to watch him going out and having a good time and doing things and having friends when I can’t. All I want is some love, is that too much to ask?

At least I have my children. Cat was lovely on Friday she put on a buffet of vegan food for us to try, they bought us lovely presents. And Tony and Justeen remembered us tonight and Chris calls in a couple of times a week. I am grateful for my children