I get the loneliest feeling in 2016

5:46pm

When the eff did I become this girl?! I know I’m worth so much more than this!

I have no idea when I went from this is exactly what I want and I won’t settle to I should just beg this guy one more time to give me a chance. It’s so freaken stupid. Never in my life have I ever wanted to be that girl.

It’s like I became all desperate and clingy trying to hold on to the little attention I was shown. How deprived am I? Damn that first “date”! Why did it have to feel so nice to be that close to someone!? I didn’t even know him. I still don’t know him. Despite feeling this crazy connection to him, I don’t know him at all. It’s ridiculous to feel this way about someone I don’t know.

I feel like such a fool, honestly. I look back on the things he said to me, all those pretty words, and I turn into this emotional uncontrollable mess. I don’t want to be this person.

I went back to re-read entries from this last month, just to see where things changed, and I came across the one where he came into the office. That was December 1st! Less than a month has gone by and everything has changed. Every single thing.

He seemed so excited to be around me that day. I was certainly excited to be around him again. I was nervous and excited. Happy even. Just to have seen him for those few minutes. And he looked right into my eyes and I thought we were reconnecting. I felt everything all over again. And I thought he did too.

Yet here we are. He won’t even respond to my messages anymore. He’s lost interest. It’s like he has zero desire to even share a conversation. I don’t get it. How is that even possible? How does a person flip a switch like that? As if nothing ever happened between us.

Did he not feel what I felt? Was I seriously imagining the whole thing? Can you really look a person in the eyes like that and misinterpret every single look?

What the heck is wrong with me? I don’t understand why I’m so hyper focused on this. I don’t like it.

I can only imagine what in the world I’ll think when I come back to read this someday. I’ll probably feel like an even bigger fool than I do right now. I just don’t get it and I’m never going to get the answers I’m looking for.

It sucks. And it hurts.
It really hurts. =(

Last night I’d had this idea in my head that I’d send him another text today with a thing about how I’d wanted to hang out but since he’s lost interest I guess it won’t happen. I even typed something up in a draft.

I didn’t send it though. I won’t send it. Because it’s stupid to do that. I cannot be this girl that begs him to come back to her. I deserve to find someone who will want me. Someone who thinks I’m worth waiting for. Someone who wants to spend time with me. A mutual connection.

I think the reason I’m holding on so tightly is because there was a moment [or a lot of moments] there at the beginning where I thought he’d be that person. He’s the first person who has ever shown interest that I’ve actually wanted in return. I can admit that. It’s a big deal! A huge deal in my world. But there has to be more to it than that. He’s here for a reason, I guess it’s just not the reason I wanted.

I keep having these internal pep talks where I tell myself that I’m going to be ok. That everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. That this isn’t the end of my world. That I deserve better. That I shouldn’t keep fighting against everything that’s right in front of my face.

I have to stop fighting…

rose.
6:49pm